The Making of Blaine Anderson
by AymberPoet
Summary: Sequel to 'The Breaking of Blaine Anderson.' Meeting Kurt Hummel turns Blaine's world upside down but can love really overcome all the pain that Blaine carries? Super fluffy and a little bit smutty, just like Klaine.
1. Teenage Dream

**So here's the sequel to 'The Breaking of Blaine Anderson' which would be nice if you read but it's not really essential since he will explain everything to Kurt at some point and some things happen between the two stories so only I know! **

**This chapter and the next are both around **Never Been Kissed **and I love how they met so I kept to the original script which was written by Brad Falchuk (thank you!) and not me, I'll underline the parts that are the script, which might annoy you but I just want to make it clear that I'm not taking any credit for writing it.**

**Lyrics: Teenage Dream - Katy Perry.**

I was caught up in the rush of other students after losing track of time; Thad was going to kill me if I didn't hurry but suddenly someone touched my shoulder.

"Um, excuse me can I ask you a question – I'm new here," the boy said shyly and swallowing my lust I stuck out my hand.

"My name's Blaine," God I hadn't smiled like this in a while.

"Kurt," _perfect_ should be your name I thought suddenly, "so what exactly is going on?" He motioned at the chaos around us.

"The Warblers," I explained remembering I was late, "every now and again they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons, tends to shut the school down for a while." I watched as boys came spilling in from every direction, watching me curiously as stood here for an idle chat when I was going to be late.

"So wait the Glee club is here kinda cool?" I laughed and decided to show off a bit, I mean he was just too cute.

"The Warblers here are like rock stars," I grabbed his hand and pulled him along, "come on I'll show you." We ran down the now empty corridor to the senior common room, our arms were attached awkwardly but I just didn't want to let go, he seemed to fit me perfectly. I had to stop using that word.

"Ooh I stick out like a sore thumb," he stated as we piled into the common room, now full to the brim with boys.

"Next time don't forget your jacket, new kid," I sorted his collar, more for a reason to touch him as it was pretty much perfect (_fuck),_ "you'll fit right in. Now excuse me," I backed away into the Warbler formation that had become like second-nature, we started up and I couldn't help but get a bit playful with our minimal routine. Something inside me wanted to pull it off just right for Kurt, I wanted to show him exactly what it was like to be a Warbler and how good it felt.

_You think I'm pretty  
>Without any make-up on<br>You think I'm funny  
>When I tell the punch line wrong I know you get me<br>So I'll let my walls come down, down  
>Before you met me I was a wreck<br>But things were kinda heavy _

His smile was intoxicating, how was I remembering the words?

_You brought me to life  
>Now every February<br>You'll be my valentine, valentine _

Our eyes were glued to each other, or maybe he just didn't know how to look away from me?

_Let's go all the way tonight  
>No regrets, just love<br>We can dance until we die  
>You and I<br>We'll be young forever  
>You make me feel like<br>I'm living a Teenage Dream  
>The way you turn me on<br>I can't sleep  
>Let's runaway<br>And don't ever look back  
>Don't ever look back<br>My heart stops  
>When you look at me<br>Just one touch  
>Now baby I believe<br>This is real  
>So take a chance<br>And don't ever look back  
>Don't ever look back<br>We drove to Cali  
>And got drunk on the beach<br>Got a motel and  
>Built a fort out of sheets<br>I finally found you _

Had I? Who the fuck picked this song?

_My missing puzzle piece  
>I'm complete<br>Let's go all the way tonight  
>No regrets, just love<br>We can dance until we die  
>You and I We'll be young forever<br>You make me  
>Feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream<br>The way you turn me on  
>I can't sleep<br>Let's runaway  
>And don't ever look back<br>Don't ever look back  
>My heart stops<br>When you look at me  
>Just one touch<br>Now baby I believe  
>This is real<br>So take a chance  
>And don't ever look back<br>Don't ever look back  
>I might get your heart racing<br>In my skin-tight jeans_

I was finally thankful for the simple choreography, I don't think I could have remembered any other steps, or taken my eyes away from Kurt any more than I already had to.

_Be your teenage dream tonight  
>Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans<br>Be your teenage dream tonight  
>You make me feel like<br>I'm living a Teenage Dream  
>The way you turn me on<br>I can't sleep Let's runaway  
>And don't ever look back<br>Don't ever look back  
>My heart stops <em>

That smile, those eyes, those pants… My heart was going to explode… well something _else _definitely was. Whoa what?

_When you look at me  
>Just one touch<br>Now baby I believe  
>This is real<br>So take a chance  
>And don't ever look back<br>Don't ever look back_

"So what did you think?" I said as casually I possibly could.

"Definitely rock stars in the making," he fluttered back, I could have looked into his eyes forever but he glanced at his shoes suddenly. "Blaine, I'm not really a new kid… I'm, well I've been sent here to spy."

"_Spy?_" I laughed, "from where?"

"McKinley High… Our Glee club wanted to scoop out the competition and I was elected, well forced," he looked sour at that so I decided I would take the adorable boy and his homemade uniform for coffee in the study halls.

* * *

><p><span>"This is Wes and David,"<span> I motioned to the newly appointed council members, I was still so proud of the boys for making it.

"It's very civilized to meet me for coffee before you beat me up for spying," Kurt said softly, how did everything he say turn me on?

"We're are _not_ going to beat you up," Wes assured him, the Asian boy had a very strong aversion to violence, not that it was a bad quality in him just he was no fun to game with.

"We thought you were such a terrible spy, it was sort of, endearing," David laughed.

"Which made me think spying on us isn't really the reason you came," I said with my usual charm and questioning eyebrow, it was a mystery how I was keeping so normal in front of him. Kurt's face dipped and he looked nervous for a second.

"Uhh," he coughed uncomfortably, "can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?" We all laughed, mainly at how cute he was and how obviously embarrassed he was to be asking something so bluntly.

"Uh, uh no, I mean I am," I stuttered but over the past year saying it had become like saying my name, easy, "these two both have girlfriends." The boys smiled widely and again I wondered how they parted each other for long enough to actually spend time with the girls.

"This isn't a gay school," David said sternly, "we just have a zero tolerance harassment policy."

"Everybody gets treated the same," Wes piped up, "no matter what they are, it's pretty simple." Wes' hand dropped to my knee and I smiled softly, these guys were so good to me. My smile faded however when I saw Kurt start to tear up, he sniffed elegantly and I wanted to hug him and never let go but I had just met this boy and we made him cry.

"Will you guys excuse us?" I asked Wes and David knowing this was going to be personal.

"Take it easy Kurt," Wes said comfortingly before standing casually on David's foot to keep him from saying anything insensitive.

"I take it you're having trouble at school?" Way to go Captain Obvious I scolded myself internally but kept my face curious and open.

"I'm, the only person out of the closet at my school," he whispered tearfully and my heart broke slightly, knowing exactly where he was coming from. "And I try and stay strong about it, there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell and no one seems to notice." He kept his eyes on the ground and the tears kept falling and for the first time in my life I decided to be brave.

"I know how you feel, I got taunted at my old school," _Yeah taunted, truthful_, "And it really pissed me off," _understatement of the century_. "I complained about it to the factuality but you could just tell, no one really cared," _more like they said it,_ "it was like 'hey if you're going to be gay your life is going to be miserable, sorry nothing we can do about it.' So I left and I came here, simple as that." _You're such a good liar Anderson._ "So you have two options, I mean I'd love to tell you just come and enroll here but tuition is sorta steep and I know that's not an option for everyone or you could refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance and you have a chance to teach him." Where the hell was I getting this from?

"How?" He asked quietly, I nearly missed it.

"Confront him, call him out!" I was suddenly full of confidence, "I ran Kurt, I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away and its something I really, really regret," I knew that it wasn't all that simple but I _did _let myself be attacked, I _didn't _stand up for myself and I let all that happened happen to me. Kurt wiped away the last few tears, looking at me with his glassy grey eyes and this look of wonder in them that made my heart swell. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was just a paternal feeling for Kurt, he was so cute, like an injured baby deer or if that fluttering really was spreading… south.

"I better go," he stood up without saying what he thought of my outburst but there was a smile on his face that told me he they were still playing on his mind, I smiled at thought of being in his head. I showed him out and he turned back, "Blaine, thank you. I just wish I could be half as confident as you about this…"

"Don't sweat it, just gimme your number and I'll make sure you don't forget," I flipped out my own phone and he read out his number, I saved it as _Kurt Cutie, _not knowing his surname or bothering to ask. "I'll text you tomorrow," I winked playfully and he blushed furiously before hurrying away into his huge navigator.

* * *

><p>That night in the showers it was hard to keep his face out of my mind, the tightness of his pants, his big grey eyes looking at me from below...<p>

"Oh fuck," I growled as I spilt over my hand and tried to slow my breathing. I hadn't touched myself apart from when Ben had made me and the thought of it made me shudder at the memories but now I was desperately hard, there was no way I could have ignore my 'problem' like I had before in the past. Was this Kurt's fault? I had just met him... I didn't even know if I felt that way about him.

I decided that if I was going to make this work, even on a friendship level, I was going to have to take it as slow as possible; my past 'experiences' had all been rushed and terrifying. After being used as a sex toy by Ben for most of freshmen year the fact I was even imagining Kurt in that way was incredible, I was just getting comfortable with JJ, Wes and David touching me after a _year_ away from Ben; getting intimate with someone was a whole new level. As I dried off I tried my best to ignore the dark scars that littered my body, I tried to ignore the memory of Ben hissing derogatory words in my ears about them and the itching to make more.

I was going to be the boy that I showed Kurt today, the only person standing in my way was me and that was no longer a good enough excuse; I was an Anderson and finally I was beginning to accept that as whatever I made of it.


	2. Speechless

**OK so this is a kind of a filler chapter I guess; the confrontation is again from **Never Been Kissed **so it is the actual script (again I'll underline.) Oh also when I went to rewatch it to check the words the sound quality wasn't great so I might have got it a bit wrong... Oh well!**

**Also 'oh la la' in French is not a sexual thing it's more like 'oh dear'; I know this because my teacher is native French and explained this to us. If you have a correction please do say, I'm a little bit unsure of the 'about the spy' bit but yeah, I love to write in French :)**

_COURAGE - - - Blaine_

I sent the text just before first period the next day, JJ leaned over unable to keep to himself.

"Oh la la Blaine, qu'est-ce que c'est? _Vaillance?" _**Oh dear Blaine, ****what is this? _Courage? _**I rolled my eyes at the boy, he had really filled out over the last two years, he was now just over 6' but the many times he had crawled into my bed made it impossible to be intimidated.

"Oui vaillance; c'est mon ami Kurt-" **Yes courage; it's my friend Kurt-**

"Ooo le espion? Méchant Blaine, trés méchant!" **ooo the spy? Naughty Blaine, very naughty!** he laughed waggling his eyebrows in a supposed suggestive manner but on him it just looked amusing.

"Ta gueule!" **Shut it! (apparently this is quite rude)** I snapped, the rude expression caused some mock hurt but he knew I didn't mean it.

"Desolé mon ami… Parle-moi de le espion?" **Sorry my friend... Tell me about the spy?** He glanced the door to check the teacher wasn't coming in, we always forgot our Latin teacher spoke French, maybe that's why we always spoke it in the mornings.

"Oh JJ, I don't even know…" I gave up on French, it was hard enough thinking about Kurt in English, "I just feel-"

"-Different?" He cut across me with his big blue eyes, "yeah I know what you mean, but hey maybe this could be a fresh start after…" He trailed off as he was about to mention Ben; he knew everything that had happened since I couldn't really keep it secret while it was all happening at school.

"I don't know, I really don't think I'm ready for this; I have no idea how normal relationships work and how am I supposed to trust him at all?" JJ shrugged sympathetically and our teacher bustled in halting the chatter. I flicked through my book ten minutes later trying to concentrate when _a dextra_ popped at me - to the right? My mind rewound to find the memory of Kirk saying that… Right side…

"Hey what would you think if someone say _a dextra_ about you?" I whispered to JJ but the boy in front, Byron, turned around instead.

"If they meant your _cor _was _a dextra _then they would be calling you gay, a _right-sided heart_ ya know, because you're heart is normally on the left?" He said it deadpan apparently he didn't get the message that I _was _gay but I didn't bother telling him.

"Thanks," he smiled and continued to make notes oblivious to my shock, so they had known, they had been arguing about it before I had even figured it out for myself… My heart dropped as the memories of them turning on me played over until I got to seeing Jack again and how he had been _normal _with me, maybe old friendships died harder than I thought.

* * *

><p>At lunch my phone vibrated in my pocket and <em>Kurt Cutie <em>came up on the screen, after just two rings I picked up and Kurt's adorable but frantic voice sounded on the other end.

"Blaineohmygodhekissedme! !"

"Whoa! Whoa say that all again but slow down about a hundred times," I laughed cautiously, something in what I had caught and in his voice threw me.

"The guy who's been picking on me, I did what you said and I stood up to him…" He sniffed and my whole body froze in fear, "he kissed me!" I let out a breath of relief, it was _just _a kiss, thank every deity known to man.

"Oh Kurt I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen!" I really couldn't bear to imagine poor little Kurt scared and shaking like he had been when he opened up, someone that fragile needed to be looked after. _But you could never be what he needs,_ the voice hissed in the back of my head, the same voice that had let me give into the pills and Ben. "You know what how about I come over and have a little talk with him? I'm totally free after 4th period tomorrow, y'know half days on Wednesdays."

"Oh my GaGa that would be amazing, but it's a pretty long way…"

"Well you made it to spy, I'm sure I could repay the favour, especially when it's something this important," I couldn't help the flirtatious lilt in my voice. The boys around my table shook their heads in amazement, they all knew how fucked up I was and yet I was about to drive 2 hours _both ways_ to go and sort out a strangers school problems.

* * *

><p>McKinley High was like nothing I had ever been to before, it was like something out of a high school movie,<p>

everyone was in home clothes except the sports teams and the cheerleaders who openly checked me out as I walked past. Everything was so chaotic and _free_, I wondered what I had been missing out on by going to my expensive and exclusive schools but I knew I wouldn't last five minutes here.

"Don't worry about it just let me do the talking," I assured a jittery Kurt who just couldn't stop hopping about me like some baby animal, what was it with Kurt and animal analogies?

"There he is," he said into my neck, my skin raised to the touch of his breath but when I saw the massive football player I wanted to run, thankfully Dalton Academy Blaine took over.

"I got your back… " I assured him quickly. "Excuse me!" I called and met the boy, Dave, on the steps; he frowned and jeered at us.

"Hey lady boys, this your boyfriend Kurt?" I couldn't help but sense a touch of jealously in the way he said that, it reminded me of Luke and… Shut up brain.

"Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something," I said as cheerily as I could, it wasn't his fault he was so angry all the time, he was going through a hard time.

"I gotta go to class," Dave said and pushed past us with some force.

"Kurt told me what you did," I called out and he faltered but put back on his bravado before facing us.

"Oh yeah what's that?"

"You kissed me," Kurt hissed but his eyes wouldn't catch Dave's, he was obviously in a lot of pain about this. Dave looked around suddenly, his fear of being overheard turned quickly into anger.

"I don't know whatcha talking about!" He started to walk away again but I calmly started to talk again, he needed this.

"It seems like you might be a little confused and that's totally normal, this a very hard thing to come to terms with and just know that you're _not_ alone," I was just saying what I had wanted someone to tell me, what I wished someone could have told me when everything seemed so utterly black.

"Do not mess with me," he made his way back up and pushed me against the fence; my back slammed into the metal but I was so used to the physical violence of other guys it didn't faze me. "You got this?"

"STOP THIS!" Kurt pulled him away from me with surprising strength and I stayed pressed up against the wall, my fingers curled into the mesh with a natural instinct to brace myself even though I knew nothing was going to happen.

"Well he's not coming out any time soon," I joked as Karofsky walked away, probably not wanting to cause such a public scene since people were already taking glances at us. Kurt fell onto the steps and played with his hands on his knees, he was starting to cry again. "What's going on?" I tried to say it lightly but it was so hard to see him upset, "why are you so upset?"

"Because until yesterday I'd never been kissed or at least not that counted," I realised that Kurt really cared about who his first kiss was and something inside me fluttered but I couldn't work out what.

"Come on, I'll buy you lunch," I said pulling him up and letting him lead me out the school, he had explained the he had a free after lunch so it was basically an extended break. We spent the hour chatting about school, singing, fashion; turns out he had an impeccable taste for trends and I couldn't help but admire his outfit from head to ass to toe. _Blaine don't even start to think about him like that, it is never going to be like that, you're far too fucked up._ I drove him back to school and he thanked me with his childish but beautiful smile and I didn't even mind driving so long to get back because he made me feel good and there were very few people in my life that did.

* * *

><p><em>I'll never talk again,<br>Oh boy you've left me speechless,  
>You've left me speechless, so speechless.<em>

_And I'll never love again,  
>Oh boy you've left me speechless,<br>You've left me speechless, so speechless._

"Oh Blaine do shut the fuck up," David laughed from the shower next to mine, "for such a composed guy you really don't know how to find your feelings when you're singing."

"You're just jealous Thompson; I can sing GaGa and pull it off," I laughed back trying to ignore his comment about my feelings; if it was true then everyone would know how broken I really was.

We continued our banter for the rest of David's shower and when he left I turned my attention to my growing problem, sure normally masturbating wasn't weird but I never used to do it. I never felt sexual before; everyone was abusing me because of my sexuality so why would I give into it? Then Luke and Ben, of course I didn't want to explore that side of me but now; now I just couldn't help myself, I was just so damn horny. So once again I found myself hissing curses as images of Kurt played in my mind until the tightening in my abdomen grew and I came; I wasn't complaining about finally cumming on my own terms but the fact that I even could was confusing and slightly scary to me. Paloma had said that people in severe depression like mine were likely to have little to no sexual urges and that I shouldn't be surprised if even the thought of masturbation made me shudder. After we changed my meds and got the black outs to stop I was feeling a lot better, it lightened the fear I had around Ben, the thought of blacking out around him was something that continuously plagued me. I had allowed the sex in the beginning, his way with tearing apart my self-worth, which wasn't really there anyway, had made me believe that this was the best I could get and I had allowed myself to enjoy it. It was hard not to when he was so skilled, he was someone else when he was concentrating on me but it never lasted and he got more and more violent.

Back in my dorm I saw that I had a few texts from Kurt, apologizing for what happened with Karofsky and telling me how nice it was to find someone who he could finally relate to. We texted until about 1am when he bid me goodnight, I lay for about half an hour thinking about this week; three days ago Kurt had just been a stranger and now he was getting me to cum (unknowingly but still) and I knew that this year was going to be another whirlwind but hopefully the good kind.

**Lyrics: Speechless - Lady GaGa**

**Finally getting Blaine's sex on after like 20 chapters of him growing up, it will get steamier when they get in a relationship, just warning you!**


	3. Elevator

**Sorry these chapters seem a bit useless, I promise they'll be longer and better once I get to grips with them being together!**

"Dude seriously how much have you spent on gas in the last month!" Lili laughed as she looked through the mess of receipts in my car, I really should clean up more often.

"That is none of your concern!" I snapped, only half playing.

"It is! Blaine you're running around the state after this boy and you're not even _interested _in him?" She raised her white eyebrows and ran her hands through her hair in a frustrated manner, though after she dyed the whole lot various shades of pink I think she just wanted to admire it.

"I am _interested_ in him, just not sexually y'know? We're friends and he needs me, he's going through a rough time a school and-"

"Poor him," she spat the words with more venom than I was expecting and I raised my eyebrow at her, "look you're spending more on gas than I am on clothes at the moment, he's dragging you into his problems when lets face it Blaine, you weren't exactly well equipped to deal with your own!"

"Lili it's different! I'm stopping this from happening, this Karofsky kid is just like L-Luke and Kurt deserves better than that," I hated fighting with her but she was just so stubborn sometimes.

"No _you _deserved better and you're trying to make his life right because it's the closest you'll get to making what happened to you right; I know that's horrible but B it's true. I just don't want you getting hurt by trying to play the hero in a story that doesn't need one…" She reached over and grabbed my hand; I knew she was right but that doesn't mean I was going to listen to her, I had to be there for Kurt _because _no one was there for me and that wasn't an invalid reason.

* * *

><p>"Thanks for meeting with me… again," Kurt's laugh was like music; he was just so absolutely adorable.<p>

"No problem, I enjoyed it," _spending time with you_, "though my friend did abuse me for my gas bill this month but I told her it's worth it."

"Oh God don't, my dad is pretty much going to kill me when he finds out why I haven't been shopping lately; I'm sure he's much more on board with sequined pants than me driving around to meet a guy." I loved the way he talked about his Dad, they had such a good relationship and it made me wonder how my Dad was so cold; could it be me and not the gay thing? I walked close to him since it was quite cold this October night but we didn't touch, we couldn't touch or everything would go to hell. "Hey Blaine,"

"Mhmm,"

"I'm thinking of transferring… To Dalton," my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth.

"Seriously? Are your parents OK with that?"

"Probably not, we'd be bankrupt if I went but apparently they do bursaries and stuff… I mean if I get in…" He was blushing and not looking at me, I put my hand on his shoulder and it curved away so I dropped my arm again; perhaps this was good for me, I needed to be rejected.

"I'm sure you'll get in, I mean you're totally smarter than you think," _goddamnit Blaine_ why are you so weak for guys? "I better head back, I missed curfew on Monday and they aren't so lenient the second time round," I laughed but Kurt merely smiled back.

"I'll text you when I come the exam," we hugged and I felt Kurt's body keep some distance from mine so I loosened my grip, _he doesn't want you Blaine, get it through your head._

* * *

><p>I couldn't stop thinking about Kurt over the next couple weeks, we didn't see each other again but we text constantly; David stole my phone for a day and I was nervous all day. Knowing David he would confess my feelings for Kurt in a very vulgar and explicit way that I could apologize for later but did I want to? The Dalton confidence in me told me to just go with it, but the old Blaine was whispering that I couldn't do it. Echoing that voice was Sierra, Lili and JJ, while Wes told me to be careful but in the end if was my life, my choices, but when had anything been my choice? When was being gay my choice? When was the abuse my choice? When was the depression my choice? I wasn't as in control as I thought I was and that night as I emptied out my old wash bag and a familiar clink made my body freeze. The silver sliver glinted in the sink and my scars started to itch but since the bathrooms were ensuite in the senior dorms I couldn't lie to JJ, I couldn't pretend to be in the library but I didn't care. I buried the sexual thoughts of Kurt under the blade, I found the flesh of my thigh and the cut left behind was deeper than I had anticipated. My head rushed with the utter pleasure of the pain and my knees gave way, on the cool tiles I watched the red stain the white and realised I was bleeding strongly.<p>

"Fuck, just stop bleeding Blaine, stop," I mumbled over and over and I tried to get the cut to heal but I heard JJ return and pulled on some black joggers, my thigh growled with pain when I stood but I slapped on my smile. I felt guilty for not getting better, for being able to lie so coolly to my friends and family, even my parents were trying harder and I was just pretending. I had stopped seeing Paloma after sophomore year but I still took meds, turns out the blackouts and small seizures would be a constant issue that I needed to balance but apart from that everyone believed I was perfectly healthy.

_We go up,  
>And we go down,<br>Like an elevator.  
>We touch the sky,<br>__Then the ground..._

Just keep smiling Blaine, just keep singing, just keep doing everything you're doing now.

* * *

><p>In the morning my phone sounded loudly on the table beside my head, the screen flashed with the reminder I had forgotten about.<p>

**Kurt's Exam**

_Oh shit._

"Ma' it stop," JJ groaned from across the room, "BLAI!" I shut off the sound and smirked at his morning nickname for me; I sat up and groaned when I realised another part of me was a lot more excited about today than my brain was. I jumped in the cold shower but five minutes later the urge had settled in my stomach and I knew there was no way around this. I wasn't ashamed of myself, being on the swim team I had seen more than my fair share of dicks and the only thing I had ever notice was different was the girth; how the fuck was I supposed to get this in _anywhere?_ I imagined being with Kurt, his tiny body would break but in my head it could be whatever I wanted it to be and soon enough I was biting on my lip to keep from calling out. The metallic taste of blood spread across my tongue as the last few waves of climax faded out my body; I stayed under the warm water for a while longer not wanting to leave and have to face Kurt but I knew I had to.

* * *

><p>"Hey there, long time no see," I was leaning casually against the doorway when Kurt walked up the stairs with his Dad, trying to look as cool as possible but seeing Kurt made my heart race. He was wearing a more understated outfit today; a red button up cardigan, white shirt and navy bow tie matched with tight navy jeans, obviously showing his dedication to Dalton. "Loving the awesome colours," I couldn't help but let my eyes drop from head to toe until his Dad coughed loudly.<p>

"Blaine this is my Dad Burt, Dad this Blaine…" Kurt was so polite and I tried to remain charming to his father who was rather intimidating and I had a feeling if he didn't like something he would say so.

"Morning sir, I hope you had a pleasant journey, I know it's quite a way from Lima-" Kurt bit his lip worriedly as I said this and I realised his Dad wasn't quite up to speed with us.

"Oh you do?" Mr. Hummel glanced between us, "what don't I know here Kurt?"

"I've been here before, I was sent to spy on their Glee club and Blaine looked after me; we've seen each other a couple times since then…" I didn't quite know what to do with myself and suddenly I had this awful feeling-

"Blaine! Kurt!" David walked up to us smiling grandly and unfortunately Wes-less. "Good morning sir, I'm David Thompson, junior council member of the Warblers and a good friend of Blaine's," Burt seemed to be even more suspicious of us when David eyes kept flickering to Kurt with that _smile_. "You know the sooner Kurt joins the better, I'm not sure even the Anderson fortune can handle the gas bills-"

"_Thank you David_," I growled with a stiff smile, "I think Mr. Hummel here is _far _more interested in seeing the school than hearing about my car issues,"

"It wouldn't be an issue if you didn't have that ridiculous BMW, gas-guzzler," David just wouldn't shut the fuck up.

"Mr. Thompson when did I give you permission to speak to parents?" Ms. Moore snapped playfully at David, every teacher knew that although he was brilliant he just wasn't allowed to speak to the general public. "Mr. Hummel, I'm so glad you could make it, sorry for the welcoming party…" She gazed at David until he retreated back to class after squeezing my shoulder. "I hear Kurt has been here before on less, savoury, terms but we're glad it left such a good impression on you," after finally meeting a teacher Burt seemed to relax a bit more and as he chatted to Ms. Moore I walked slowly behind with Kurt; trying not to stare at him for too long. We toured the whole school, managing to see David again when he was under the control of Wes, and Kurt barely spoke. He just stared at everything, everyone and tried to keep his composure, I found it too adorable and just had to take him into the gardens even though it was freezing, I knew it would be the deal maker.

"Oh my God Blaine how is this a school? It's like _magic," _he breathed the last words, his breath clouding the air.

"Well it's the closest thing to Hogwarts I could find and trust me I looked hard," I smiled against the icy weather hoping he wouldn't notice how cold I was in my uniform.

"Thank you," he said softly his eyes meeting mine, "for showing me this, for being there for me, for getting in trouble for me. I've never had anyone be this nice to me before," he glanced at his Prada shoes and blushed; I bravely hooked my arm in his and started to head indoors.

"Trust me you're the one I want to thank, mostly for opening my eyes to how appalling my wardrobe is," he shrugged in self-praising but totally Kurt and cute way. "But also because… you're different to anyone I know and you have something I wish I had…" I didn't really know where the sentence was going even as it rolled off my tongue but he smiled sweetly and let me walk him to the classroom where he would sit his exam. His Dad stood silently judging me as I wished him good luck and promised to meet them for lunch, I was finally seeing the Burt Hummel that I heard about so much and he scared the shit out of me. I could see from the way he looked at Kurt that he would do anything to protect him and since he had failed at McKinley there was no way anyone was getting past him now; especially not some fucked up little rich kid who didn't know what was best for himself let alone Kurt. I hurried away to find JJ in the senior commons, I _could not _take having lunch with Kurt and Burt without back up.

**So as I'm writing this story I realised how impossible this seems in Glee because Blaine says "I'll see you after school" and Dalton is about two hours away from McKinley? Oh well, I'm such a fangirl. **

**Hoping to get their relationship on the move once he gets accepted and then it's gonna get all deep and emotional and sexual and stuuffff :) **


	4. Baby It's Cold

**Ok so the underlined bits in any of my chapters are actual script and I'll always state what episode; this time it's **A Very Glee Christmas **so all credit goes to the writers of Glee.**

A month later I found myself wrapped up scarves, gloves, and a beanie making my way into a restaurant to meet Kurt's Glee friends, Mercedes (the best friend), Rachel (the frenemy diva), Quinn (totally hot), Finn (the brother), Tina (goth girl), Artie (nerdy but cool), Santana (don't mess with her), Brittany (just agree), Mike (awesome dancer), Puck (ex-bully) and Sam (new kid.) I ran through the mental assignments I had made after Kurt told me a little about everyone and made sure I was pretty certain of who was who before greeting them all warmly.

After an awkward first round of drinks I found that the McKinley High kids were alright, Finn shared David's foot-in-mouth but without the hidden intelligence and Santana didn't stop flirting all night. I couldn't help but flirt back, it was like a natural reaction from the many balls my parents had dragged me to but I'm sure it was more to do with the fact Kurt would fall strangely quiet whenever we made crude jokes and I liked the reaction. Rachel annoyed me but her passion was slightly endearing, we argued over the best ballad of all time until Puck cut across saying something about their being _way _too much estrogen at this table so I managed to pick up a good conversation about football. By the time we had paid and finished all our food and drink I found myself with eleven new friends and the seal of approval from Mercedes despite my assurance that there was nothing happening between Kurt and I. I bid them all goodnight and Kurt caught my arm, though it was through a lot of layers my skin still prickled at the fact he was holding onto me.

"Blaine I got in," he whispered close to my face so no one else could hear, "I'm coming on Monday…"

"Kurt! This is so awesome! Why are you whispering? Have you not told your friends?"

"Yes of course I have, just I don't know, they seemed upset and I don't want to remind them," he sounded like he was lying and I knew he was nervous that when he got to Dalton it wouldn't be right for him.

"Hey, you're going to be fine on Monday OK? You'll have me, and Wes and David and JJ and the rest of the Warblers; which you will obviously get a place in," I said and I realised our bodies were just inches from each other. He looked up at me from under those full lashes and we both leaned in closer-

"HEY KURT, GET IN THE CAR!" Finn called from across the parking lot and Kurt jumped away from me, I wanted to jump on him and grab onto the moment I had been waiting two months for but instead I smiled and walked to my car. I had taken David words on and left the BMW at home and swapped it out for the Range Rover that my Mom had reluctantly given over when my sister complained about the roads in winter Ohio.

* * *

><p>On Monday morning I was up and ready at 7, I paced the corridor waiting for someone to get up and in the end I went into Wes and David's room to annoy them. I paced the room as Wes finished dressing and David showed no signs of life let alone getting up.<p>

"Blaine if you don't calm down in a minute I swear to God I will slap you across your pretty face," I stilled in the middle of my pace and gave him an apologetic look.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck why am I so nervous?"

"God I wish David was awake to answer that…" Wes rolled his eyes and shook the dark boy awake, "Davey we're going to breakfast because Blaine is having a nervous breakdown, see you in a while." I practically skipped down to breakfast where I bumped into Thad and I told him about Kurt and his F5 range, I calmed slightly knowing that the council members were excited about meeting Kurt. I decided to have froot loops and picked out the yellow ones, I didn't usually have them but it was therapeutic to revert back to eight-year-old Blaine's tradition.

I was allowed to miss first period to help Kurt settle in, Burt was giving me suspicious eyes again and all I could do was smile and keep my hands in my pockets feeling more and more guilty of the dirty thoughts I'd had coming home on Friday night. I led Kurt upstairs and into his room, unfortunately he wouldn't have a roommate this semester but the age-old way of swapping rooms meant that he wouldn't be alone for long.

"You're quite lucky you're alone, as much as much as I love JJ I have had two years to get used to him," Kurt smiled weakly as I helped him unpack his clothes, which was more like a five-man job.

"I've never been away from home before… I mean I've been camping with the scouts for a night but I made my Dad come and pick me up," he sighed, "me and the outdoors don't mix, unless we're talking white beaches and cocktails."

"Sound perfect, reminds me of the Maldives a couple years ago and-" I stopped midsentence when I discovered Kurt was standing; hand on hip and a playful smile on his full lips. "What?"

"I've never been out of the _state _let alone the country… How the hell am I supposed to fit in here Blaine?" He cried out, pouting, "I don't have fancy cars or houses or holidays like you guys…" I smiled sadly at him but as I picked up yet another Alexander McQueen jacket and a Dolce and Gabbana pair of jeans I couldn't help but wonder where he got the money for it all.

"Trust me here money doesn't matter, I mean at my old school the first thing you found out about someone was what their parents did and it pretty much dictated the groups around the place." I thought about my first day at N.A.H. and how the elite group had picked me up straight away, I felt like Harry Potter in his first year when Draco offered his friendship. _Please Blaine do not say that stuff out loud, it's embarrassing…_

"Urgh! I'm going to hate this uniform by Wednesday!" He was already in front of the full-length mirror smartening his hair and blazer; I couldn't help but watch him and how he had an absolute elegance about him. My stomach was still full of butterflies and the moment we nearly kissed was playing in my head over and over; I wonder if he thought about me like I had him? "What are you looking at? Is my hair OK?" I laughed and nodded not daring to tell him the truth just yet.

"Come on lets get to class before we get detention, you only get first period off y'know!" I said and stuck out my arm, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the bed and I remembered the first time we had met, how he fit so perfectly and hadn't pulled away from my touch.

* * *

><p>"Oh God I'm exhausted!" Kurt fell into the sofa gently and David had to elbow me to regain focus on the game at hand; it was our in-school Friday night ritual, something gun-filled with David, something funny with Wes and something yummy brought by JJ. I felt strange letting Kurt see this since it had been just us four for the last two years but something about having him there made me feel calm inside, like one of those detectors I started to worry when he was too far away. He also had a strong dislike for violence even though JJ told him he had "gamer's thumbs" to which David corrected as "handjob hands"; I noted how furiously Kurt blushed at the mention of him doing something sexual. Wes caught my eye and I guessed he noticed too because he smiled gently and looked at Kurt.<p>

"Kurt we have a week left before break, I think you'll survive," Wes laughed, Kurt had fit right in with our friendship group as well as everyone else in the year group especially the Warblers. The last two weeks had been a blur of awkward smiles and fleeting touches that were driving me insane, so one night when Kurt was busy studying in one of the rooms I decided to interrupt him.

"Hey," I placed the stereo down with more force than I meant to.

"You scared me," he looked up with that cute smile of his.

"Good 'cause I'm actually Marley's ghost and I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard," _even though it's totally hot_.

"What's with the boom box?"

"I need you to sing with me," I said sitting opposite him in the empty room; there were hundreds of rooms in Dalton that were decorated but unused, it made finding a quiet place easy and finding someone hard. "Well rehearse with me, I got a gig singing _baby it's cold outside_ at the New Albany Country Club Christmas ball," I winced as I said it out loud and realizing just how upper class it sounded.

"Oohh a personal favourite, too bad they'd never let us sing it together…" I tilted my head and let a confused look override the one of surprise I wanted to show, "I mean as two _artists," _he blushed and my heart dropped a couple inches.

"Mhm… So you gonna help me out here?"

"Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne," I smiled at his hate of one of my favourite subjects.

"Good then," I pressed play and he started to sing.

_I really can't stay -  
>Baby it's cold outside<br>I've got to go away -  
>Baby it's cold outside<br>This evening has been -  
>Been hoping that you'd drop in<br>So very nice -  
>I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice<em>

I went to grab his delicate hand but scooped away at the last moment, not trusting myself to finish the song.

_My mother will start to worry -  
>Beautiful, what's your hurry<br>My father will be pacing the floor -  
>Listen to the fireplace roar<br>So really I'd better scurry -  
>Beautiful, please don't hurry <em>

He really was beautiful in the fire light…

_Well Maybe just a half a drink more -  
>Put some music on while I pour<br>The neighbors might think -  
>Baby, it's bad out there<br>Say, what's in this drink -  
>No cabs to be had out there<br>I wish I knew how -  
>Your eyes are like starlight now<br>To break this spell -  
>I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell<br>I ought to say no, no, no, sir -  
>Mind if I move a little closer<br>At least I'm gonna say that I tried -  
>What's the sense in hurting my pride <em>

I tapped out some notes on the old piano in the corner and he watched with his mouth slightly open before carrying on with the song.

_I really can't stay -  
>Baby don't hold out<br>Ahh, but it's cold outside  
>C'mon baby<br>I simply must go -  
>Baby, it's cold outside<br>The answer is no -  
>Ooh baby, it's cold outside<br>This welcome has been -  
>I'm lucky that you dropped in<br>So nice and warm -  
>Look out the window at that storm<br>My sister will be suspicious -  
>Man, your lips look so delicious<br>My brother will be there at the door -  
>Waves upon a tropical shore<br>My maiden aunt's mind is vicious –  
>Gosh your lips look delicious <em>

Our heads dipped in closer before he pulled away.

_Well maybe just a half a drink more -  
>Never such a blizzard before<br>I've got to go home -  
>Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there<br>Say, lend me your comb -  
>It's up to your knees out there<br>You've really been grand -  
>Your eyes are like starlight now<br>But don't you see -  
>How can you do this thing to me<br>There's bound to be talk tomorrow -  
>Making my life long sorrow<br>At least there will be plenty implied -  
>If you caught pneumonia and died<br>I really can't stay -  
>Get over that old out<br>Ahh, but it's cold outside  
>Baby it's cold outside<br>Brr its cold... It's cold out there  
>Cant you stay awhile longer baby<br>Well... I really shouldn't... alright  
>Make it worth your while baby<br>Ahh, do that again..._

We fell onto the sofa next to each other, his warm body was pressed to mine and I felt myself relax without meaning to; he dipped back as well and we sat smiling at each other.

"I think you're ready," I blushed slightly at his praise.

"Well for the record you are much better than that girl is gonna be," his smiled faltered slightly but I decided that it must have been the flickering light, why would me mentioning Lili affect him? I laughed at imagining Lili with her red hair singing the song without messing around, I liked the song and if I could perform it like Kurt and I had then I'd be in heaven. We sat close like this for what felt like ages, just talking and talking; there was a stray lock of hair that had been annoying me all the while.

"Hold still," I said softly and stroked it back, my fingers just grazing his skin and then his grey eyes locked into mine, I leant forward and captured his lips gently. I kissed him like I remember kissing Lili when I was thirteen, it was slow and soft and he kissed back. _He kissed me back! _My hands rested on his cheeks and his hand held onto my arm, he seemed to be scared but he didn't want to break away from me and I was hoping he wouldn't but too soon we broke apart for air.

"_Do that again…" _He sung softly, I laughed and pulled him in closer for another kiss; every fibre of my being was charged with electric and after three months of patience I wondered why I had waited so long.

**A bit longer this time which I like but is it OK with you guys? FINALLY KISSED. YAY, as you can tell I'll use some script but not really the story line.**


	5. Clumsy

"Lili it's been a week and we still haven't talked about it?" I was pacing again; I hope I don't pick this up as a permanent trait, "I mean what the hell?"

"Did he say if he liked it?" She raised her newly dyed red eyebrows, her hair was in a plait down to her waist and against her backless, silk green dress it was absolutely beautiful.

"Well yeah… I mean he said 'do that again'?" I blushed furiously and pulled at my sleeves, I was in a black tux with a red tie and I felt uncomfortable, it was just another night like so many that I had spent pretending to be straight.

"I think this is progress, Kurt seems like a genuine guy; he's not rushing into anything and he's obviously nervous about what could happen so just talk to him, you can't both be the girl!" She laughed and pulled me onto the dance floor in a smooth motion as the pace of the music picked up, we danced theatrically for a few songs and I forgot about my troubled love life and managed to sing our duet without a hitch.

* * *

><p>The next morning I made breakfast with Sierra and she agreed with Lili, so I flipped out my phone and nervously tried to think of how to phrase it.<p>

_Hey Kurt, I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee?_

_Hey, wondering what you're up to?_

_S'up, are you free some time?_

Oh for fucks sake.

_Hey Kurt, just wondering if you're free for coffee some time? – B_

_Hey, sure, in fact have you finished your xmas shopping? – K_

_Oh… no, oops, help me? – B_

_Gladly, since when do I turn down a shopping trip? Where? – K_

_The mall near you any good? – B_

Three days later, dangerously close to Christmas I found myself in the mall with Kurt, his idea of a shopping trip had turned into a military operation and we didn't stop until I had something for everyone. I didn't have the heart to tell Kurt that my parents weren't going to be too cut up if I didn't get them anything special but the dress I found for Si was just to die for.

"Can we please get something to eat?" I said grabbing my stomach and pouting when he was about to argue but thankfully he agreed and I watched him pick at a salad and his grande nonfat mocha. I tried to think of when I had actually seen him eat anything substantial in the time that I had known him but he hadn't shrunk recently so I didn't bring it up.

"You look like there's something on your mind?" He said raising a perfect eyebrow.

"Uh... well actually there is," I sipped my medium drip nervously, "I'm totally cool with respecting your boundaries and I mean I have them as well but… Oh God, its just we kissed Kurt. We kissed and it felt like more than _just _a kiss, this may be completely and totally out of line but, I like you and well doyoulikemetoo?" I rushed the end and looked at the table, trying to find something busying about the scratchings in the plastic.

"Wow…" He breathed and my heart fluttered, "I can't say that this wasn't expected just… You really like me?"

"Yeah, I-" I was about to expand but I shut up quickly not wanting to ruin the moment.

"Wow, just wow," he was staring at me with his grey eyes which were now flushed with blue, "_how?"_

_"How?_ Kurt you have no idea how beautiful you are, from the moment you stopped me on the stairs I could only think of you and how our hands fit so perfectly together," he picked up his gloved hand and smiled. He pulled it off and grabbed my hand as though he was testing my theory and when it was right my heart swelled up.

"So what now? Are we _together?_" He whispered softly, glancing around with from the same fearful habit that I used to have before going to Dalton and I couldn't help but wonder if he was in the same place I had been inside.

"I want to be but Kurt there's a lot of stuff, stuff from my past I have to tell you before we can have a real relationship but I just couldn't keep my feelings in anymore and I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry, we can go at your pace; whatever you have to tell me I'll stay I promise," he leaned in close so I could almost count each of his thick eyelashes.

"Don't promise that Kurt, please," I begged him, "this will be hard and I'm scared but I don't care, I just want to be with you." I dropped my gaze, my stomach was twisting violently when he didn't speak for a while but the feeling of his fingers tipped my chin back up.

"Blaine, you are so utterly adorable and I have to admit, its nice seeing Mr. Perfect break a sweat for once," I laughed shakily. "_You _are way too good for me and I'm ready to take on anything for you even though we've just met I feel like if I throw this away I'll be throwing away something completely unique and-" I cut him off suddenly with a kiss, he tasted of coffee and cherry tomatoes and I just couldn't get enough; completely forgetting we were in public just losing myself in the boy that I was falling for, the one that made me feel something I hadn't felt in so long, _hope_.

_Totally a pink sunglasses moment._

* * *

><p>Over Christmas it was impossible to hide my good mood, I had even rung up Gus (who had moved to Spain during my sophomore year of Dalton) and talked for over an hour about Kurt before his parents made him hang up but even they didn't get away without hearing a little about Kurt. I didn't dare tell my parents why I was so happy, merely stating I was glad it was the holidays but my song choices weren't so subtle.<p>

_Oh baby, oh baby,  
>First time that I saw your eyes,<br>Boy you looked right through me, mmm.  
>Playin' it cool but I knew you knew,<br>That cupid hit me, mmm._

_You got me trippin', stumblin', flippin', fumblin',  
>So clumsy 'cause I'm falling in love.<br>You got me slippin', tumblin', sinkin', thumblin',  
>So clumsy 'cause I'm falling in love.<em>

Despite my new found relationship I found that come New Years Eve I had blown off a McKinley party to attend the Richards' where Lili and I were both going to be alone and for the first time in three years neither of us complained, in fact we were quite relieved to have the night away from trying to attract someone. I had wanted to go and to be with Kurt but memories of Luke ran through my mind, I didn't trust New Years to be good for our relationship, especially this early on, and with this I decided that I _would_ have to start to explain my past to Kurt. On the 31st of December though I wasn't thinking of any of these things, I was simply there to fall back into my New Albany ways and the appearance of a, now friendly, Jack Syaton helped that along. The last thing I remembered was toasting midnight with a kiss from Lili, a glass of champagne from France and a pill from Jack; maybe one day I would learn but tonight was not that night.

* * *

><p>"Just one time I would love to see you after 8pm and not end up blacking up Syaton!" I growled from the floor when I was woken the next morning, my head pounded violently at having to actually function and make a sentence.<p>

"Shut up Anderson you love it," he sounded pretty torn up which, was surprising for him, Jack was one of the wildest partiers I had ever met; hangovers didn't exist for him.

"What the fuck happened last night?" I tried to sit up but none of my muscles wanted to respond, I had this feeling that last night was a complete success and an utter disaster but I guess I would never know, not really anyway, word of mouth couldn't beat memories.

"You guys are too young for this shit," I heard Daria Richards say from across the room and I immediately sat up not caring that I nearly puked and/or passed out; I hated parents seeing me hung over. "But I'm kinda proud of you; Blaine where did you learn to dance like that?" She laughed loudly and lay on Lili's bed where the top of her red head could be seen but that was all, I groaned and clambered up with them curling into Lili and trying desperately to remember something.

The familiar vibrating of my phone sounded from my pocket and I pulled it out completely in awe of the fact it was still on my person until:

_Please tell me you were wasted last night? – K_

I flicked through my sent messages, all the ones that were written in any kind of real language were crude and filthy which normally didn't faze me but they were to _Kurt_, he was so innocent and pure…

"You guys, never again, please…" I whimpered as my back seized up.

"Dalton's made you soft Blainey," Jack laughed from the floor, "you needed last night; I remember a time when us and Kirk were the hardcore heart of any N.A party!" I couldn't help but feel deflated at the mention of Kirk, he had been so cruel to me after I came out and apparently he still wasn't over it, unlike Jack, he had meant everything he'd said and that hurt.

"Daria, please just tell me my parents left before…" I didn't know how to end the sentence because I _didn't have a fucking clue what I had done_.

"Oh they saw you take rainbow shots 'in the name of pride' but left pretty soon after that… Don't worry I'll show you guys the photos later," we all groaned, why were cameras allowed in this house? They were only used for capturing pornography and drunkenness. My phone vibrated again and another text from Kurt came through.

_Btw who is Luke? – K_

My heart stopped, I had mentioned Lu-him? I checked through all my texts but nothing said anything about him so I threw the phone onto the ground and clambered under the covers with Lili and went back to sleep. I would deal with this later… or not at all, whichever was easiest.

_Blaine I told you not to do this, you're broken, you can't love him, you don't know how. Now he's going to know all about your fucked up past and then he's going to leave you, open and alone; Blaine why are you so stupid?_

I didn't have an answer for the voice in my head but I did want to prove it wrong, I wanted to prove that there was a reason I didn't die that night in August two years ago and I was hoping Kurt was that reason; yet to do this I would have to pollute him with all the evils that I had faced and I didn't know how I could do that to him. Lili curled in closer to me, her hair smelt of champagne and cigarettes but I didn't care I was just glad she was still here - losing Gus had been hard for me, though we had grown apart because of Dalton he was still my best friend, he was still there for me during freshmen year with Ben and him moving across the globe was like losing a part of me. We were all planning a reunion in the summer, more of an excuse to have a week long party on the beaches of southern Spain but still I was excited to see him, to get everyone back together; maybe Kurt would come with us too... I tried not to think of the future with Kurt, I didn't even know what there was now but I could hope, I could hope that every glance, kiss, touch and kind word between us would be enough to make this into something _perfect_.

**Yeah Blaine gets a bit mushy but he's in love and he doesn't even know it yet! **

**I know I had Blaine saying Luke out loud before but in his head it's harder because he remembers things; yes Lili knows what happened but no one else actually knows what Luke did just that he was a dick... I thought I would clarify that for you.**

**Lyrics; Clumsy - Fergie**

**Also all the chapters have been between 2,200 - 2,600 words and that my comfortable zone, but if you think it's too short or not enough is happening please tell me and I'll change things up.**


	6. Dippin' Toes

**First attempt at them having a deep conversation so bare with me please?**

"Guess who," I knocked and opened Kurt's door slowly, "are you busy?" He was busy with his usual skin care routine although it was only 9pm; nightly activities at Dalton made it impossible for him to get it finished at the 'real' lights out.

"Sure, nearly finished," his thin fingers were delicately massaging the cream into his milky skin, for some reason this ritual had me captivated and slightly aroused… "Are you alright?"

"Uhh yeah, sorry just," I squirmed uncomfortably and Kurt moved away from his mirror to sit next to me; I had said I wanted to tell him about my past but I had never tried before now. "I think I should start to tell you… About things…" He took my hand and pulled me further onto his bed where we rested against the headboard; he had declined having a roommate again this term, saying it's nice to have a quiet room to come back to.

"OK," Kurt coughed and cleared his face of emotion, something he would do when he wanted to study or when he needed to fake his real emotions, "don't rush anything, I don't have to know anything you're not comfortable saying…"

"You're so good to me," I kissed him softly, "but if I don't say anything uncomfortable then we'll get nowhere…" He tightened his grip on my hand but smiled encouragingly. "I guess you already know my parents were less than happy about me being gay and they tried to pretend like it was nothing, like it was just a mistake," I was already starting to tense up, I'd never realised just how awful my parents rejection had made me feel.

"What was a mistake?" He asked tentatively.

"Um well, when I was thirteen I went to a New Year's Eve party, pretty much everyone we knew was there and… My best friend at the time…" My voice quavered slightly.

"Is that Luke?" I nodded; I had never answered Kurt when he asked who L-Luke was.

"Well he hadn't talked to me since I'd come out a few weeks before and I thought he never would… Until that night, he… kiss me at midnight."

"Oh God Blaine in front of everyone?" Kurt's shocked face always amused me; it was almost cartoonish and so overdramatic.

"Yeah-"

"Oh Blaine," he went to hug me but fell back, not knowing where my head was at.

"Don't look so upset, it was good, it was my first kiss with another guy and… I enjoyed it, the aftermath, ehhh, not so much," I laughed as his brow knotted in confusion. "Not everything is dark and horrible Kurt, just most of it; please don't look at me like that, it breaks my heart." He had his hands together in his lap, his face obviously nervous about what I was going to tell him in the future and suddenly I was nervous too, well more nervous that I initially was.

"Sorry I just… I hate knowing that it started so young for you, I mean _thirteen_, I was just discovering the wonders of body exfoliates…"

"That just meant it was over quicker, you went through it this year, it's still fresh for you – I've had time to recover…" I smiled at him softly, "I'll finish this soon and we can talk about something nicer OK?" He nodded slowly and went back to looking at his lap. "Basically, they ignored it, they ignored my sister shouting at them and said that I wasn't gay, I couldn't be gay because that's not normal," I started to growl but calmed down not wanting to scare him. "It was hell at school as well, I lost almost all my friends and even people I didn't know were against me… Every week the bruising would be worse than the last, everyday the insults would be worse than before but still my parents didn't care." I didn't look at Kurt but I could hear him sniffing, I needed to finish the story I just couldn't stop talking now I was finally relaying it. "Over spring break we went away with some other families and my friend, Clarissa, had bought me these sunglasses the summer before that I hadn't worn yet, here," I pulled them out of my blazer pocket, I knew that he'd appreciate the object in person.

"In the name of couture these are absolutely _awful_," he exclaimed, "but I love them, they're so you," he glanced up and smiled in the way that was entirely sexual and he didn't even know it.

"Shut up! They've been my saviour, they represent being whoever I want and being proud of it; something I thought I'd never get which is why I wore them out on holiday. I wore them in front of my parents and my Dad flipped, he screamed at me to take them off and my friend's Mom had to step in and tell him to calm down… Thing is I was glad he flipped, it was better than ignoring me, better than pretending like he didn't have a son anymore; it was the first time he had acknowledged my sexuality in any way since New Years… Kurt?" Kurt was shaking in front of me, his small shoulders shuddering up and down as he sobbed, my heart jumped towards him and my hand carried out the movement. "Kurt baby, please don't cry, please," I whimpered and pulled him into my chest; the physical contact with Kurt was always so gentle and careful, I was sure the reason that he didn't make me flinch was because I knew he was just as nervous, that it meant something to him as well.

"I just- I don't know how you- survived with your parents treating you like that- it's so sad," he cried into my chest between hiccoughs and I just wanted to take back everything I said.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, I just… Oh Kurt how can this work?" He pushed me away suddenly and my body tensed, I tried to keep calm but my heart was already racing with the physical memory.

"Blaine Anderson do _not_ talk like that!" He said hysterically, I hated the pitch of his voice when he was angry, "please," he said quieter, "please, this is hard for me to hear but only because I care about you. I hate that this happened to you but I need to know, you think I don't notice how it's affected you-" I leaned back in shock, he'd noticed what? "How you hate when people are too rough, when things heat up you jump away – and I mean I'm not exactly, the most liberal but it's like you're afraid and you rarely make eye contact when we're together and I know it's not me… Is it?"

"Of course not!" I grabbed his hand and kissed it to prove my point, "I didn't realise I was so fucked up so _obviously_… But Kurt if you're willing to put up with it, and I understand if you want to back out, then I promise that I will try my hardest and fight everything holding me back until we're together, completely." His hands were gripped in mine, pushed into my chest against my pounding heart; his eyes were shimmering with the same blue that was there when I asked him out and he leaned forward slowly and kissed me. My brain spun with the taste of him, something I was hoping would never fail to surprise and delight me no matter how long we were together for. "I think we should continue this another night, I'm shattered," I sighed happily and stood up ready to leave.

"Sure, just one question? Your parents, did they, have they accepted you?" I wanted to lie to him and tell him everything was perfect but Kurt wasn't the little Bambi he looked like; he needed me to tell him the truth.

"No, not really but they understand that what they think doesn't matter and they can't change me so baby, don't worry about me OK?" He nodded and smiled but I knew beneath his perfect complexion his mind was running at a million miles per hour and I wish I could soothe him, make him see that all I needed was him and his smile. I returned to my room and found JJ in bed with a book, he glanced up and I smiled weakly to tell him things had gone well before falling into bed and passing out; having my first nightmare since I met Kurt. It was different, Kurt was there, watching, as Lu-_urgh-_ke was on me and I couldn't speak up or tell him to look away; he just watched as the scene unfolded and when everything finished he ran away. They both left me in somewhere dark and cold, somewhere that felt like I did that summer two years ago yet I couldn't wake up despite my efforts, I screamed inside my head but nothing happened until finally the scene blacked out and I was left in peace until the morning.

**So what do ya think? Quite short but I didn't want to put anything else in here with something like this. Also I'm going away tomorrow until Thursday and then I'm home for two days so I might get another chapter up then but not sure so we'll see... If not then I'll have one up by August 14/15th hopefully. Thanks.**


	7. Go Bad

**Bit longer which I like :) Thinking of doing some unrelated one shots with Klaine so look out for them. **

I had told Kurt about New Years, the bullying, my parents and about James, when I list it like that it seems like a lot but it wasn't the important things, they weren't the things I was afraid of telling him. I was going in chronological order and the next event was the dance and Tyler; I hadn't spoken to Ty since I left N.A.H. and apparently he had a string of girlfriends whom he would fuck at parties but never take on dates. I looked at Kurt across the French classroom as I thought of Tyler and Dave and _say it_ Luke and Ben; I wondered why their sexuality had led them down such dark paths when mine had led me, with some bumps, to Kurt. Why did I deserve him when Luke had been one of the best guys I'd ever known, he deserved to have someone look at him the way that I looked at Kurt so why did he hurt me? I never voiced these thoughts even to Lili because it felt stupid, she would say hurtful things about him and I would get angry and then she'd get angry and we'd end up fighting about something completely irrelevant until we got fed up and watched a movie. Kurt's blue eyes caught mine and his cheeks tinted with pink; I loved making him blush, it reminded me I was actually affecting him and in a good way.

After school that day I had been swimming during my last period and couldn't find anyone which was odd because someone was normally waiting in the dorms but everywhere was eerily empty. I made my way down to the commons for Warbler practice although I was early but passing by one of the many rooms I heard Kurt's voice speaking softly and laced with concern.

"But everything he's told me so far sounds horrible and he just keeps saying that this is the _good _bit…" My heart jolted as I realised he was talking about me so I leaned on the wall by the slightly ajar door and eavesdropped for the first time since I was about 7.

"Exactly, so Kurt it's not going to get easier from here," Wes said sternly, "this will be a massive strain on your relationship and to be frank I'm quite surprised Blaine is even dating you so soon. I would have expected him to keep the friendship for- Kurt don't look like that it's not _personal_."

"Not personal! You're telling me my boyfriend shouldn't be dating me and it's not personal!" I wanted to go in there and explain everything but it wouldn't have helped and I was more curious about what they would say.

"Kurt," JJ was there too, "what Wes is saying is we've been friends with Blaine for nearly three years and we don't even know everything-"

"Yeah like he never told us why he doesn't do track anymore, I guessed and like, it took him nearly a semester to confess about the med-"

"SHUT UP!" Wes shouted at David and I could imagine, hit him; I sunk to the floor not knowing if I hated or loved David in that moment, all I really wanted to know was what Kurt was going to say.

"What? Blaine isn't on anything? Why would he be?" Kurt's voice was shrill, "don't go silent on me! This is my _boyfriend_ I need to know!"

"I'll tell you about the meds but Blaine will explain the rest OK? And you have to promise to tell him you know OK? Good; well naturally because of everything that happened Blaine became depressed, he'd been suffering for a couple years but because of the bullying he never took it seriously. Anyway during the summer before Dalton Blaine had, a…" _shit was he really going to say this? _"Blaine had a breakdown and he was taken into hospital for a couple weeks, after he was diagnosed with depression and he's been on medication ever since but he's a lot better. I mean, don't tell anyone, but I know for a fact he misses days; he just wants to know he can feel happy by himself and that shit makes you a robot. My cousin was on them and she couldn't cry or laugh or anything and it drove her insane, they help when you're depressed but everyday life gets difficult. Kurt I suggest if you feel at all like this is too much then you should leave now, Blaine will understand but in a month or two or six when he's told you everything and admitted his feelings it won't be OK."

After JJ's explanation I promised myself to get into his bed tonight and thank him (**wow that sounds dirty**), we hadn't talked properly in a while and I didn't realise just how much he noticed about me. I stood up and waited for Kurt's reply before I would head to the commons and pretend like none of this had happened though I don't know if I could lie that well…

"I'm not leaving him," Kurt's voice wasn't shaky or shrill or breathy, it was solid and determined, he'd heard (all be it a very soft version) of something very dark and he had decided to stay. I started to walk away quickly in an attempt not to get caught but I secretly wanted to stay and be there and see Kurt's big blue eyes and his smile and kiss him and thank him and tell him just how much I cared for him.

* * *

><p>"I love you," my arms were wrapped round JJ's warm body despite the fact I wanted to roll onto the floor and get away from the contact, he mumbled something intelligible back before rolling over and facing me.<p>

"What, why are you up? Why do you love me?"

"For telling Kurt what you did today," his body tensed next to me.

"You're not mad?"

"Course not, I was scared about what you would say but I'm glad it happened, it breaks the ice right?" I laughed softly and I saw him smile in the dim light, it was strange being this close to him and not being afraid, I really think Kurt is doing me more good than he could ever have imagined.

* * *

><p><em>Make them good girls go bad <em>

_I make them good girls go _

_Good girls go bad, good girls go bad_

I loved this song since I first heard it from Sierra's bedroom, performing it with one of the Catholic girls from down Crawford's was like a mini dream come true.

_I know your type, you're daddy's little girl _

_Just take a bite (One bite) _

_Let me shake up your world _

_'Cause just one night couldn't be so wrong _

_I'm gonna' make you lose control _

_She was so shy till I drove her wild _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_When hanging in the corner _

_With your five best friends _

_You heard that I was trouble _

_But you couldn't resist _

I glanced at Kurt as a spun past with the girl in her too-short-skirt and smiled to remind him that my eyes were only for him but his face looked really uncomfortable and I made a mental note to ask him if something was wrong.

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go_

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go _

_I know your type, boy you're dangerous _

_You're that guy I'd be stupid to trust _

_But just one night couldn't be so wrong _

_You make me wanna lose control _

Her voice was good but it didn't compliment mine like Kurt's did.

_She was so shy till I drove her wild _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_ make them good girls go bad _

_I was hanging in the corner _

_With my five best friends _

_I heard that you were trouble _

_But I couldn't resist _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go _

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go bad _

_Oh, she got away with the boys in the place _

_She a looka, don't stand a chance _

_And he got away with the girls in the back _

_And looking too hot to dance _

_Oh, she got away with the boys in the place _

_She a looka, don't stand a chance _

_And he got away with the girls in the back _

_And looking too hot to dance _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_Good girls go bad, yeah _

_Good girls go bad _

_I was hanging in the corner _

_With my five best friends _

_I heard that you were trouble _

_But I couldn't resist _

We were so close I could feel the heat coming off her, she was pretty but not as pretty as Lili, though it hardly mattered how pretty she was when I was smitten with another guy…

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go bad _

_I make them good girls go _

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go bad bad bad _

_Good girls go bad_

"We make such a good team, maybe we should 'partner' up more often," she was talking slowly and deliberately but I couldn't help and laugh. I glanced round and grabbed Kurt and held his hand tightly.

"Shelby this is Kurt, my boyfriend," Kurt blushed heavily as the girl stared at us with an open mouth.

"That's disgusting! If you didn't want to see me you could have just said so, you don't need to say such vile things!" I wasn't quite expecting that reaction and it seems neither did anyone in ear shot because the place fell suddenly very quiet. "Come on girls, we need to leave _right now_." She tried to storm away but most of the girls were having fun talking to the rest of the Warblers, we may have been sibling schools but we didn't see much of each other so today was a rare and cherished occasion; no one was leaving.

"What's going on?" Thad asked curiously as he eyed the leader of their choir.

"Your fellow Warblers just made a horrendous joke," she was staring right at me and I couldn't do anything but hold on to Kurt's hand tighter until he winced.

"Oh? Blaine what did you say?" Everyone was staring at me now and my heart was in my throat, I hadn't had to deal with anything like this in three years I wasn't sure what to do.

"He told her I'm his boyfriend," Kurt said proudly, "and she said we're disgusting," I couldn't miss the hitch in his voice and I just wanted to run away and hide him from all this.

"Well Shelby, they _are _dating and that is _not _an issue at Dalton and it shouldn't be anywhere else so if you're going to be rude about two of my close friends I think it's better you _do _leave." Thad wasn't usually this forceful outside Warbler practice and everyone knew he must have really meant this, Shelby knew too and started to glance around at some of the other girls. I wondered just how many of them thought the same way she did and if any of them would own up to it in front of us. In the end everyone left quite suddenly but none of us complained, even the guys who had managed to get a good conversation going; I mean that's what cell phones are for right? "You OK?" Thad asked after everything had settled down a bit more.

"Yeah just a bit, shaken, I guess? That was totally weird… Thank you Kurt," I turned to my boyfriend and kissed his cheek.

"It was nothing, that's what boyfriends are for right?" I laughed at the way he said what I had been thinking and decided tonight I would tell him about August, it may have seemed sudden but in that moment I felt like he would understand and he had waited so patiently to hear the story. It was a Friday night and Kurt wasn't going home this weekend and I had toyed with the idea of inviting him over to meet Lili and Clarissa but I didn't want to tie them too close when the possibility of him leaving was still on the table.

I confided in the other three when Kurt was busy changing out of his uniform and they told me if things went badly to come straight over, though JJ was on a date tonight so not his house. When I asked whom it was with he blushed and said a girl he'd met at a thing with his parents before wishing me good luck and leaving in a hurry; JJ never kept quite about girls? I didn't let this bother me too much though because I knew he would be waiting on the other end of a phone tomorrow whilst Kurt could, in an hour, have left me alone and broken hearted. Woohoo.

"Hey Kurt?" I called from the sofa when I heard him come into the commons, I tried to keep my voice cool but I couldn't stop the way my throat constricted slightly like it was trying to stop me from telling Kurt everything.

"I know that voice… Are we having another chapter from the Blaine Book of Horrors?" He laughed and I knew he was joking but tonight was one of the things I was most of ashamed of. I would have to tell him about the conversion therapy, the pills, the hospital and I would have to look him in the eye while I did it.

**Yeah there is a lot of emotional stuff to deal with but hey Valentine's day is coming up! **

**Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester - Good Girls Go Bad.**

**Just finished the perks of being a wallflower, my life has been changed; such an amazing book.**

**Also might have another chapter up tomorrow... if not same dates apply.**


	8. Finding Home

"Baby I hate when you look like this," Kurt cooed as he sat on the opposite end of the sofa to me; he was in black drain pipes and a knee length jumper which were his comfort clothes and I knew he was feeling homesick.

"I hate having to tell you these things, guess we're even."

"So where do we start? Eighth grade or…" I knew he wanted to ask about that summer three years ago but what did you call it? I smiled and nudged him with my foot because he was looking worried already.

"I think maybe we could get through it all? I mean only two things happened that year I _need _to tell you about, the rest can wait?" He nodded and settled back to listen to me, we had come to the agreement I would talk until I couldn't talk and then he would talk; it just didn't work when he was asking questions and fussing the whole time. It was selfish but then again so was I for doing this to Kurt, I felt like I was physically hurting him but Wes had reminded me he could have walked away and never listened to any of it so not worry.

I told Kurt about Joe and the conversion therapy, he looked absolutely appalled and it made me laugh, I never really thought of just how ridiculous the whole idea was until I relayed it to someone else. Then about Tyler, the dance and the attack; Kurt had fallen very quiet at this bit and I realised why too late.

"Oh Kurt I'm sorry, I didn't even think, I just… That won't happen to you OK? The place I went was a breeding ground of homophobia and hatred, you're safe here, with me, I promise." He didn't look at me though; he just nodded and asked me to continue with the story.

"My sister had a shit fit when she found out and got me an interview here within two weeks, I came with my cast and fell in love; see it doesn't end so badly right? Look Kurt I know this is hard for you to listen to so why do you do it? Why do you put yourself through this when we're just kids, we have no chance of surviving?"

"Blaine, it's not about _forever_ it's about now, it's about who we are today and who we'll be tomorrow. If I walked away from you when you first said I could everything would have been different, you and I would have lost faith in the world around us when we didn't need to." He sat up and grabbed my hands, his blue eyes had never been so intense. "It doesn't matter if we break up tonight when you finish or in six months time or six years time, what does matter is that right now I show you that you deserve to be loved and I want to be that person to love you. I'll listen to your heartbreak like you listened to mine and truthfully I couldn't imagine being without you, you're my dolphin," we both laughed and then he kissed me again. If I was going to fan-girl every time he kissed me I would die a very happy man, it was like I would never get used to the fact someone so beautiful was expressing his love for me _voluntarily _and I just wanted to say I love you but I didn't, I couldn't it was too early for that kind of thing right?

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world," I whispered almost to myself and Kurt's fingers ran down to my chest; my body tightened but I tried to fight it and relax into his touch, it was like cuddling JJ… No it wasn't like that at all, Blaine why did you say that? "Kurt, please…" I took his hand away from my body and just held it.

"Blaine, what happened in August?" His voice was very soft and gentle but also worried.

"I ran away," he looked at me puzzled, "I didn't want to be saved anymore I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted my parents to love me, I wanted my friends to be happy, I wanted to be everything they had hoped I'd be and I thought if I kept on going I would never be it."

"You're not making any sense?"

"Kurt when I said I ran away, I didn't run away from the bullies or the school or my parents, I ran away from myself and who I was and what happened to me. I went and bought these pills from this guy and I went home and… I took most of them and-"

"No." The word was so loud in the peaceful common room; it didn't even sound like Kurt but it had to be him? I looked up and his eyes were brimming with tears but his face was hard. "No you didn't, you couldn't have, no, Blaine please tell me you're lying!" He was standing up now and I didn't know what to do, not even Sierra had reacted like this.

"I wish I could Kurt, please sit down,"

"Blaine you tri- You tried to _kill yourself_," he hissed the last words, "how could you have even thought of that? Your family would have had to…" He started sobbing and I pulled him into my chest, though he was taller than me he still curled perfectly into me so I could just hold him. "When my Mom died I thought my whole world would cave in and I thought about all the people that died on purpose and I wondered how they could be so cruel and selfish even though sometimes I thought it would be better if I was dead with her. I never understood how they could think it was the best thing to do but I met this girl at the cemetery when I was eleven and she was there visiting her cousin. We got talking and she said her cousin commited… su-suicide and at first she had been angry, so, so angry but then she realised how much pain someone would have to have been in. She told me how when all you want to do is hurt yourself and everyone around you gets sick of telling you it's OK the only thing left is to take yourself out of that situation but when that situation is your life it's hard. And I remember crying because I missed my Mom and she was saying things I didn't want to hear and I never thought I need this information, I was too young to know that she was hurting like that too. I just wanted her to go away but she stayed there and told me everything about it and suddenly I realised it was the same thing. Maybe it was worse than my Mom 'cause everyone could see she was in pain and everyone knew and believed her and when it was too much no one blamed her but when that girl's cousin died no one _knew _how she was feeling or how much it hurt or how much she wanted to give up and they blamed her for being weak…"

I wasn't sure where Kurt was going with this revelation but I knew I was crying silently as he talked, partly because he was missing his Mom, partly because I had hurt him and partly because I knew what that girl meant. I knew the pain and the logic and the hiding and the rejection and the disbelief.

"Blaine if you killed yourself I think the world would stop to mourn," his voice had changed, it's like he wasn't really here and his body was just working. "Everyone would stop their lives and wonder how someone so beautiful could have done that to themselves, how they looked in the mirror and decided that they would die and it would be OK. It would never be OK if you died, especially by your own hand; I would never be the same, I'd probably never sing again." It made seem weird that he said that but I knew that he was trying to express something that was pretty much impossible to express and the thing that was closest to his heart was singing so he filled the gap with it.

"Kurt you saved me, that day on the stairs I thought I was better and then I met you and I realised how wrong I was, how if I had kept on like that I would have died. You have no idea how much losing you scares me, how much I'm scared of myself and-"But his lips devoured the last of my words. It was the strangest kiss we'd ever shared, it was so slow and intense, my whole body shivered and it was almost like we were trying to become one… This was the moment in the books and movies where we would slowly undress and make love of the first time and fall asleep in each other's arms but that didn't happen tonight. We did fall asleep in each other's arms but there was no sex and I was suddenly sad about that, it hadn't mattered that we wouldn't have sex before but now it would have been so right. It would have signified the night that I finally realised I was in love with Kurt Hummel and there was nothing I could do about it but the funny thing was I didn't want to do anything about it. I _liked_ it, I was _in love _with a boy who was listening to my horror stories and telling me it would be OK and I wondered how long we would last for…

**Very short but what else can you put with this? Feeling all emotional and if any of you have read Wallflower then you'll understand. **


	9. Last Friday Night

"Do you think I look OK?" Kurt asked me for the five-hundredth time as he played with his collar and picked at imaginary lint on his trousers; they were bright red and matched his scarf, which was actually my scarf but we all knew that he would appreciate it more than I would. His military/My Chemical Romance style jacket was one of those pieces you would love to own but you know you could never wear.

"Kurt you look stunning as always, please stop fretting you're making me nervous," he sighed loudly and I laughed, I never thought meeting my friends would cause anyone worry.

"What if they don't like me?" He pouted in his adorable way.

"I really don't think that's possible, Lili's Mom used to be a model and she basically lives by Vogue and well Clarissa bought the pink sunglasses," I remembered the moment Clarry had given them to me and we weren't really friends and I thought I would kill her. "They're going to love you more than they love me and well come on, I'm pretty awesome," he snorted and took my hand, his was cold and clammy but I didn't mind.

* * *

><p>"BLAINE!" We had barely walked into the restaurant when my name was being called across the room; I caught sight of Lili's bright yellow hair and Clarry's green coatdress that made Kurt inhale sharply.<p>

"Oh my God your coat!" Clarry exclaimed holding onto Kurt.

"Oh my God your dress!" Kurt cried back, he glanced at me and smiled broadly as we slid into a booth and started to chat with the girls, it was nice having them finally meet.

"I can't believe you hid this gem from us!" Clarry laughed as she and Kurt made a joke I didn't really get about a designer I didn't really know, "I think he was scared we'd steal you away from him." She waggled her eyebrows and I couldn't help but laugh, I missed the girls so much when I was away at Dalton and now that Kurt was part of this it would be so much smoother.

"So girlies how is it going being in a relationship?" Lili asked as we tucked into our food, "it's been what nearly two months?" The thing about Liliana was that she would sometimes talk in a way that seemed condescending or skeptical but I really knew it was her way of telling me she was worried without letting other people know.

"It's… amazing," Kurt breathed not noticing her tone and I blushed, "I like someone, who's gay and kinda likes me too; it's like a dream."

"Kinda likes you? He's absolutely smitten so don't go breaking his heart, you hear me Miss McQueen!" Clarissa laughed and the three of us tensed slightly, she never really understood the whole 'walking on egg shells' thing that Lili had tried to explain to her.

"Well I think a toast is in order," Lili smiled softly breaking the tension, "to Kurt for being a terrible spy and Blaine for being a rock star, thank God they found each other." It may sound a bit dramatic but the way we looked at each other said everything, growing up had been hard and we were ready to settle down despite our age. Lili's ex-boyfriend was aggressive but it took a year to find out his aggression was a problem; I would forever feel guilty for not noticing her bruises like she had noticed mine. They broke up sometime in November after we called an intervention, that was the night that Lili had realised just what it was like at N.A.H., I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want people to make a fuss because I was sure I could handle it but in reality we both needed to be rescued.

* * *

><p>"Oh Kurt it's because of people like you and Blaine that make me wish I had a penis…" Clarry was talking rubbish into Kurt's ear after managing to flirt her way into a bottle and a half of red wine; he wasn't much of a drinker though, I had never seen him have any apart from the two glasses tonight. "I think we should all go out dancing!"<p>

"YES! Dancing! I love to dance," and then he started to sing.

_There's a stranger in my bed _

_There's a pounding in my head _

_Glitter all over the room _

_Pink flamingos in the pool _

_I smell like a minibar _

_DJ's passed out in the yard _

_Barbie's on the barbecue _

_Is this a hickey or a bruise?_

_Pictures of last night ended up online I'm screwed, oh well _

_It's a blacked-out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled, damn!_

Then Clarissa joined in and they stood on top of the fountain edge.

_Last Friday Night _

_Yeah, we danced on table tops _

_And we took too many shots _

_Think we kissed, but I forgot _

_Last Friday night _

_Yeah, we maxed our credit cards _

_And got kicked out of the bars _

_So we hit the boulevard _

_Last Friday night _

_We went streakin in the park _

_Skinny dipping in the dark _

_Then had a menage a trois _

Lili and I held hands remembering all the Friday nights we spent getting black out drunk, pretending that nothing else would ever matter and that we would stay young and ignorant forever so we joined in too.

_Last Friday night _

_Yeah, I think we broke the law _

_Always say we're gonna stop op owwhoaa _

_This Friday night, (do it all again) _

_This Friday night, (do it all again)_

_Trying to connect the dots _

_Don't know what to tell my boss _

_Think the city towed my car _

_Chandelier's on the floor _

_Ripped my favorite party dress _

I spun Kurt round, people were watching us dance by the sparkling water looking like we had never had a painful memory between us.

_Warrants out for my arrest _

_Think I need a ginger ale _

_That was such an epic fail_

_Pictures of last night ended up online, I'm screwed, oh well _

_It's a blacked-out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled, damn_

_Last Friday Night _

_Yeah, we danced on table tops _

_And we took too many shots _

_Think we kissed, but I forgot _

_Last Friday Night _

_Yeah, we maxed our credit cards_

_ And got kicked out of the bars _

_So we hit the boulevard _

_Last Friday night _

_We went streaking in the park _

_Skinny dipping in the dark _

_Then had a menage a trois _

_Last Friday night _

_Yeah, I think we broke the law _

_Always say we're gonna stop op o whoaa oh _

I didn't know where this was all coming from but I knew that I didn't want the song to end and the crowd that had gathered didn't even bother me.

_This Friday night, (do it all again) _

_This Friday night, (do it all again) _

_This Friday night_

_T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F, T.G.I.F_

We managed to get everyone to join in with that bit, it was like being on stage and I could tell Kurt was loving every second of it.

_Last Friday Night _

_Yeah, we danced on table tops _

_And we took too many shots _

_Think we kissed, but I forgot _

_Last Friday Night _

_Yeah, we maxed our credit cards _

_And got kicked out of the bars _

_So we hit the boulevard _

_Last Friday night _

_We went streaking in the park _

_Skinny dipping in the dark _

_Then had a menage a trois _

_Last Friday night _

_Yeah, I think we broke the law _

_Always say we're gonna stop op oh whoaa oh _

_This Friday night (do it all again!)_

"Oh shit!" Clarissa screamed and grabbed onto Kurt who grabbed onto me and I grabbed onto Lili and we all fell into the frozen water to a round of applause and some cheers.

"OH MY GOD MY OUTFIT!" Kurt squealed and tried to jump out of the water but I grabbed onto him and pulled him back, it may have been January and we would probably all get pneumonia but I didn't want this time to end. "Blaine you have no _idea _how much this cost!"

"I really don't care," I held onto him tightly and my hand grazed his ass, the wet material of his trousers clung to his curves, I felt the familiar tightening in my abdomen _shit._ We kissed passionately and the crowd gasped and I felt Kurt pull away but I held him tighter, "I still don't care," I whispered in his ear and he melted into me.

"You guys are so cute!" Clarry exclaimed as we pulled her out of the water and all realised we were going to die if we didn't change clothes straight away and the closest house was Lili's so we all crashed there.

* * *

><p>"Wow and I thought having my own bathroom was fancy," Kurt said as we walked into her house, I laughed and took in the scent and the feel of her home like it was my own.<p>

"Oh you should see Blaine's house, I mean mansion," Lili laughed and disappeared into the laundry room to grab some fresh clothes for everyone, thankfully over the years I had left enough joggers, hoodies and old shirts to mean I could probably move in unannounced. "I think I got lost in his bathroom the first time I went round."

"zhatknis," **shut up** I growled as she threw some clothes at me; my Russian wasn't great but I knew the essentials. Kurt was scrunching his nose at the clothes and I remembered he didn't _own _any joggers but I didn't care I was just so happy he was wearing my clothes, it was like something out of a movie.

I made hot chocolate with Lili while the other two chose a movie in her extensive collection; it was nice to be doing something so normal after our sing-along earlier.

"So B how is it really going with Kurt?" She asked casually without looking at me but I knew she meant it to sound critical.

"Truthfully? I'm in love," we both froze and heard the other two laughing across the house.

"You're what? Blaine did you really just say that?"

"Yes, Lili I love him and… I'm not afraid," I stirred the drinks in front of me idly as Lili tried to process my words; I wondered if she would get angry but she kissed me on the cheek and kicked my ass as she walked past and I knew that was a seal of approval. The rest of the night was spent quietly laughing and talking during a couple of movies; Lili kept glancing at Kurt and smiling, she whispered in Clarry's ear who gasped and cooed but kept her mouth shut. By the end of the night Kurt and I were curled into each other, so were Lili and Clarry; people often questioned their sexuality when they saw just how close they were. Clarry was confirmed hetero but with no personal space boundaries while Lili refused to be labeled and preached love was love whether it was a girl or a boy, it was all very cosmopolitan. Around 2am a horrific noise shook everyone awake from our sofa positions.

_Can't read my, can't read my,_

_No he can't read my poker face_

_(She's got nobody to love)_

_Can't read my, can't read my,_

_No he can't read my poker face!_

"Hello!" Kurt was suddenly bolt upright, "oh my God, Dad! Oh my God I'm so sorry I feel asleep… Yes I know Dad, I know- Look Dad! I'm sorry! I'll drive ho- Are you sure? I'm at Lili's house… Blaine's friend… Alright, goodnight."

"Fuck Kurt," was all Clarissa said before falling asleep again, I closed my eyes as well but I didn't feel him fall back next to me and I realised he wasn't even in the room anymore. I went to find him and check if everything was OK, I heard the shower running in the bathroom but the door was ajar and my heart started to beat faster; even though I knew Kurt wasn't like that I couldn't help but think of all the times I had run the shower and... I pushed into the room and the steam and was about to call out for Kurt until I heard him first.

"Oh God," Kurt groaned from the shower, "ahh, fuck, fuck," I held my breath listening to him; I couldn't believe I was listening to my boyfriend wank in the shower. "Oh my… Oh Blaine," I froze when I heard him moan my name, did I really hear that? "Blaainee," he growled again more forcefully and my own dick twitched but I didn't touch it, I didn't trust myself to be silent about it. He called out a few more times and I whimpered quietly as he came but I suddenly felt dirty so I left him downstairs and went up to Lili's room to run my own shower. I didn't touch myself, I just sat under the warm water and thought about Kurt calling out my name during climax and wondering if I could ever do that to him in person. I climbed into Lili's bed after my shower and fell asleep before I could feel guilty about leaving Kurt alone downstairs but when I awoke there was someone next to me, someone who smelt like Kurt.

"Hey," he whispered when he noticed my eyes open.

"Hey," I croaked back with a smile, "how did you find me?"

"I looked everywhere, this buggering house is so big!" I laughed at his frustrated face. "I couldn't sleep without you, you know," his eyes were soft with the remains of dreams and blue with the flush of emotion he felt for me.

"I'm sorry I left… I just went looking for you and I ended up in her bed, it's like coming home being here," I snuggled closer under her black sheets as if that would emphasis my words.

"I'd love to see your house, your bedroom, your dog…" As he spoke he stroked circles on my arm absentmindedly but it turned me on so much, maybe it was just because _he_ was doing it and talking about things that we could have _together_; our house, our bedroom, our dog…

I was used to being controlled during sexual encounters, I had never been in charge except for with Kurt; he let me have control because he knew (though not why) being dominated scared me. Today I was on top of him, kissing fiercely, his hands on my waist under the baggy T-shirt and mine holding his face; my heart was beating too fast already but I just didn't want to stop, my body and my brain were in battle as I tried to let go of the physical memories and let the present take hold. It seemed ridiculous that under me was the most beautiful, caring boy I'd ever met, who also wanted me and my body wanted to run a million miles away! He made to pull off my shirt and I tensed, he didn't know about the scars, there were a few on my arms but I brushed them off as biking accidents or tree-climbing or window breaking incidents but the rest of my body was a masterpiece of dark lines.

"Sorry," he mumbled as his hands fell back to just feeling blindly, I didn't reply because our crotches accidentally met and I couldn't help but groan; he was just as hard as I was and that was just so hot. I rolled off him and we just lay panting and sexually frustrated, I wasn't quite sure what to say at a time like this 'sorry I was sexually abused so I can't get you off right now?'

"I'm sorry…" I tried to say but Kurt just laughed then glanced downwards before blushing, "I…"

"Don't worry about it, to be honest I'm not ready to go very far yet either just, I _am _ready to help you get through your fear OK?" I nodded and he kissed me softly before heading into the bathroom, it was strange knowing we were both doing the same thing and thinking of each other but it was also nice. I mean nice in the sense that we were separate and he wasn't on top of me holding my wrists down and telling me to be quiet…

**So he gets a bit more upfront in his head about what happened and that's progress right? I needed Kurt to meet these two so I just put it in here before Blaine's birthday and Valentine's day :) **

**T.G.I.F. - Katy Perry (Darren Criss is in the music video for this!) **


	10. Wishes

"Blaine!" Mikaela came running into the kitchen long before her parents had even taken their shoes off.

"Kaela! How are you!" I scooped her up into a hug and she started to tell me about the plane journey in her very adorable way, she was three this April but she seemed so much more grown up. Sierra and Dan came in just after looking exhausted but I hadn't seen them since Christmas and none of us could be too tired not to be excited.

"Oh B I've missed you! Happy birthday!" She hugged me tightly before I could mention the fact that her brunette curls were now jaw length, "I don't care what you think, it's practicality over sexuality nowadays!" She walked over to the liquor cupboard and poured a vodka and coke, something I never really liked but she drunk like water. "Where are Mom and Dad?"

"Urm not sure, she reminded me you were coming like three hours ago but I think she left to get flowers… two hours ago," I watched as Mikaela danced around Tucker who was watching her bored eyes; he really was getting old.

"Well doesn't matter," Dan clapped making me jump, "how are you birthday boy? 17! Damn where has the time gone?"

"Oh God don't, I'm getting old…" Sierra sighed from the fridge; it was almost like she didn't have food in her house. "Hey isn't your boyfriend supposed to be here as well? What's his name?"

"Kurt, be nice OK?" I said, I wasn't joking, she had a habit of making people highly uncomfortable just for her own amusement, "it's bad enough he has to meet our parents without you torturing him." I hopped nervously since Kurt was already half an hour late, I had asked him over early so he could get used to my family before going out in public with them and-

"I'll get it!" Louisa called from the hallway, "good afternoon, come in, are you here to see Blaine?" I could hear them talking and my heart was in my throat as Sierra knocked back the rest of her drink and smile sweetly but I knew it wasn't so innocent. "Blaine your friend is here," Louisa smiled, she knew he was my boyfriend but she would never say so out loud, especially when my parents could be back at any minute.

"Oh my God Blaine you didn't tell me you lived at Downton Abbey!" His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open as he looked around the house, I knew it was grand but I'd seen a lot better. "Happy birthday!" He cried hugging me tightly.

"Hardly! thanks," I kissed him softly and he blushed when he realised we had company.

"Blaine who's that?" Mikaela was staring at Kurt suspiciously from behind her father's legs, Kurt smiled politely but I knew he wasn't a fan of little children and apparently they weren't a fan of him either.

"This is Kurt, he's my boyfriend, say hello Kaela-" I held out my hand and she took it slowly still staring at Kurt. It was very awkward making little kids do something, they never did what you expected them to do and Kaela was no exception, she had a tendancy to be quite blunt with people even though she wasn't even three yet. She waved at Kurt and we took that as our cue to introduce the grown ups. "Kurt this Dan my brother in law and my sister Sierra, she's already started drinking so don't mind anything she says tonight OK?"

"Shut up B, I'm sure Kurt isn't quite the china doll he looks like," she smiled widely and surveyed his outfit which was thankfully understated tonight; a black skinny tie with a white shirt, black skinnies and vans. "You look like you stepped out one of my fashion magazines, have you ever modeled?" And with that question everything became relaxed and smooth, we poured some red wine and chatted around the bar while we waited for my parents to come home.

"Blaine if they're not back in the next 15 minutes we're going to be late for our reservation and we all know that Acquarello doesn't _do late comers," _I rolled my eyes at her, Sierra didn't mind being late she minded that we were waiting for my parents.

"Isn't that restaurant like the most expensive in the state?" Kurt asked his voice suddenly very high pitched.

"On the east coast isn't it?" Sierra asked Dan.

"I swear it was in the country? Didn't it beat out that place in New York- Kurt you look like you're going to have an aneurism?" Dan wasn't kidding, Kurt had gone pale as paper and he was trying to speak but just couldn't.

"I'm guessing that Kurt isn't quite used to _this_," Sierra motioned around us and I nodded, "if I was him I would milk it for all it's worth…" The bang of the front door made all four of us tense, we had to get in the car _right now_ and my parents hadn't even seen Kurt yet. "Oh shit, in hell…"

"Why are you all just sitting there we're going to be late!" My Mom was shouting without even looking at us, "oh please don't tell me Mikaela is coming? Daniel you look splendid-" Then she saw Kurt and stopped fussing around, her eyes flickered to me and then she caught my Dad by the wrist. "John we have a guest-"

"Yes I know," then he saw Kurt too, "oh um, Blaine?" I had never really seen my parents at a loss for words apart from New Years and I felt sort of impressed that they didn't quite know how to handle Kurt being here

"Mom, Dad this is my _boyfriend_, Kurt; Kurt this is my Dad, John and my Mom, Silvia," he hopped off the bar stool elegantly and stuck out his hand.

"It's very good to meet you both," my Dad shook his hand firmly out of respect but you could see he would rather not be touching Kurt if he could help it. "I have to say it's very kind of you to let me into such a personal occasion-"

"Yes well, Blaine never mentioned it," I sighed and shook my head trying to count the billion times I had called and told them to book for six; thank God Louisa had been in charge. "I mean it's his birthday," then my Dad disappeared into his study for a quick drink as we all got our shoes on and my Mom kept shooting me dirty looks but I didn't care; not tonight.

* * *

><p>The meal went well, apart from Kurt practically having a heart attack over the prices and my parents trying to make awkward conversation without mentioning that Kurt and I were gay and together.<p>

"So Kurt what do you want to do when you're older?" My Dad asked from across the table.

"My dream is to be on broad way, you know my name in lights." I loved the way he lit up when he talked about the future.

"That's,"_ don't say gay, don't say gay, "_ambitious of you… You know Sierra lives in New York." _Thank you,_ my Dad actually smiled at me once the conversation switch over to Kurt and Sierra; it was his way of saying he approved of Kurt.

"You guys should come out sometime, I'd love to show you around Kurt! Actually," she smiled, "how about you come for winter break? Valentine's day in New York is amazing." She took Dan's hand and I remembered her disappearing for Valentine's Day when she was eighteen and my parents nearly dying looking for her… Shit that was ten years ago…

"Wow I hadn't even thought of Valentine's Day," Kurt lied, "it would be magical though wouldn't it?"

"As long as your Dad is cool with it I think it could be perfect," we looked at each other and I should have kissed him but I didn't; I may have been the poster child for being who you wanted to be when I was away from home but in front of my parents it couldn't be like that. Thankfully the cake was brought out soon after that and the tension was broken by the singing; Kurt's beautiful voice sounding in my ear and my family around me smiling I didn't know what to wish for.

_I wish to never forget this feeling._

* * *

><p>"Good morning Mr. Hummel," I said brightly as he opened the door to me, it was seven am and Kurt and I were heading to New York today for the week. Burt nodded at me but didn't speak; I still wasn't sure of what he thought of me since every time he saw me he looked disapproving but he never said a bad word towards me since Kurt and I had been dating.<p>

"Look I know what teenage boys get up to," he said suddenly as I sat down in the lounge with him, "don't try and tell me you're different because I'm not buying it OK?"

"With respect Mr. Hummel I _am _different and I know that's impossible for you to believe because pretty much every guy says that but really, trust me when I say nothing like that will happen-"

"What won't happen?" Kurt asked sweetly from the doorway, I blushed furiously and looked at the floor, I'm sure Burt thought there was something wrong with me.

"Blaine was just telling me how this trip will be PG rated," he said skeptically.

"Dad we're 17," was he really implying what I thought he was? "But don't worry it's not like that, we're… waiting," he took my hand and pulled me up and I'm sure I saw Burt wince when he realised what Kurt was saying. "Come on! Carole we're going!" Kurt bid his family goodbye, all except Finn who had said his goodbyes yesterday knowing he wouldn't be up this early in the holidays.

* * *

><p>"Nervous?" I asked as Kurt bounced in his seat and looked around the plane like a little kid, "it's only an hour-"<p>

"I'm not scared, I'm excited! This is all so exciting…" He wandered around the plane for the rest of the flight and even got talking to the girl across the aisle who cried with laughter when she found out it was his first flight. I imagined flying across the world with Kurt, Spain to see Gus, Paris, London and Milan for fashion week, Thailand for the food…

"WE'RE IN NEW YORK BLAINE! NEW YORK!" I couldn't contain Kurt and as Dan helped me with the luggage he rushed outside to take everything in, I started to think about how his dream city just happened to be the place my sister lived; it was like destiny threw us together.

New York was like my home away from home; I was hoping to go to Columbia to study History and I'm sure Kurt had his eye on Juilliard especially now he had been here and was falling in love with every block he saw. We went out for lunch together today, then explored the city, tomorrow was Valentine's and the rest of the week was a mash of shows, underground performances that Dan had found, shopping and just being here.

* * *

><p>"Hey baby," I kissed Kurt awake as I placed the tray of food on the bed, "Dan said it isn't Valentine's day if you don't have Champagne and chocolate strawberries for breakfast so," I motioned towards the food and blushed slightly, why was I so goddamn awkward?<p>

"Oh Blaine! You didn't have to! I can't believe you woke up before me," he pulled me into bed next to him and kissed that spot on my collarbone he had discovered a couple weeks ago.

"Kurt it's barely eleven in the morning, if you carry on like this," he didn't seem to be listening though as he continued to taste my skin, "I'm not gonna last a whole day around you."

"You have a plan for today?" He sounded so surprised.

"Of course, I mean during the day it's flexible but tonight you have to promise not to laugh at my attempts at being romantic OK?" He nodded and reached over into the bedside drawer, he pulled out a small box with a pearlescent ribbon, "Kurt you didn't have to-"

"Yes, you took me to New York for Valentine's Day, I know this can't compete with that but at least it's something right?" I smiled and pulled the ribbon off carefully, inside the box was a small silver bracelet, it was solid and had words engraved around it _I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece, I'm complete_. "I hope you like it…" He trailed off when I couldn't even speak, all I could do was climb off the bed and rummage through my hand luggage before finding an identical black box and handing it over. He eyed me suspiciously and picked open the box before gasping, the silver bracelet inside glinted with the words _you brought me back to life, now every February you'll be my valentine. _We sat wordlessly staring the matching bracelets in front of us, barely daring to believe that we had both picked that song, that design and today to give them over.

That day seemed perfect, even when it rained and we got soaked, we rushed into a small shop that we would have otherwise past and ended up having the best white, hot chocolate and buying some classic books from the selection in the back. We had lunch in the park when it brightened up and watched someone propose to his girlfriend and I finally started talking about our future, something Kurt had been begging me to do.

"Do you imagine your wedding?" I asked coolly as we walked through the early spring park.

"Since I was a little girl," he sighed, "no really I loved planning my wedding with my Barbies but not recently no…"

"Oh how come? You know whoever marries you will be the luckiest guy in the world," I felt a pang of jealousy, although I liked the idea I tried not to think about marrying Kurt, he would never want to spend his life with me.

"I just gave up on that kind of thing, I could barely find a friend let alone a boyfriend! How about you Mr. Anderson?"

"Oh yeah, I mean when I went to Sierra's I couldn't imagine that happening to me but I liked to pretend it could; you know white tuxes, an eight tier wedding cake, Lili would be my best man and we'd get married under a Japanese maple in the autumn…" I didn't know why I was telling Kurt all these details, maybe I was hoping that he would love the ideas too and think about his wedding being _our _wedding.

"Wow, you surprise me every day Blaine," he said casually as he looked around at the people.

"Is that good?" I asked trying not to sound nervous but I was.

"Very good, especially in a long-term partner, you know I don't do bored," he kissed me but I was too shocked to reply; _long-term partner_, it was such a strange phrase and yet it would never leave my mind. We went back home to change for tonight, I was taking him to dinner and a late play in one of the theatres Dan had told me about; apparently the show was immensely romantic and the music was stunning – definitely Kurt's type of thing. As we walked down to the restaurant I was suddenly so grateful for this city, Kurt was dressed up surprisingly flamboyantly in a top hat with a red bow, red waistcoat on a black pinstripe shirt and matching trousers. Thing is in Ohio he would have been stared at but in New York if you _weren't_ making a fashion statement people would view your curiously.

We ate comfortably talking about anything that came to mind, he kept asking about the play and although I knew nothing I played it out pretending I just didn't want to tell him. Kurt begging me was one of the sexiest things in the world, the way he pouted and leaned forward and his voice whined my name; memories of that night at Lili's came racing back but I put them away for tonight when, most likely, we would be left frustrated again.

"Blaine that was amazing!" Kurt exclaimed as we left the theatre after the show had ended, "I mean it was just so intense and the music was just perfect." I let him babble on about the casting, lighting, storyline and anything else he could think of; I just wanted to listen to him since the play _had _been intense. It was about these two kids who fall in love and run away together but they soon learn what love really means and they end up going home separate. It was short but sweet and it reminded me off Kurt and I, if we ran away to New York would we soon return broken hearted?

"Kurt?" He turned to face me from the few metres ahead he had skipped and suddenly in the streetlight, how his bangs fell across his face, how his smile was so pure and his eyes were so bright I couldn't stop myself from saying it. "I'm in love with you."

**Haha now we have the night to come! It's 12:30am and I'm getting on a plane at 11, I'm so excited I can't sleeeeeep :) **

**I'll probably write when I'm out there because my madre said I could bring my laptop and I really want to get on with this because I have such big plans (and such bad thoughts - YMAS fans anyone?) for these two but they have to happen in a few months.**

**Anyone watching the Glee project? We're so behind in the UK :( Oh and yes I am aware I keep putting Kurt in red but I love that colour on him although he looks rather dashing in yellow as well... ANYWAYS am I doing his fashion sense justice? I'm trying to take inspiration from his actual Glee outfits but it's hard to find good pictures. **


	11. Scarred

**I'm back :) **

I didn't think this happened in real life, I fumbled to open the apartment door while Kurt's lips were locked onto mine. We had been tongue-tied, literally, since I told him I was in love with him; he had stared at me before telling me he loved me too and then attacked my face.

I don't think I'll ever feel that amazing again, there was nothing to compare it too and I was glad. Kurt was one of a kind so of course how he made me feel was one of a kind too.

We fell into the bedroom and as I unbuttoned Kurt's shirt I suddenly froze, if we continued I'd have to undress as well.  
>"Wait, wait," I panted, "where is this going?"<br>"Way to kill the mood Blaine," he laughed but I just looked at him, we needed to talk. "I don't know? I don't think either of us is ready for…" He trailed off and blushed.  
>"Sex?" I loved saying things that made him turn into a schoolgirl, "I agree but I want to satisfy you." I moved forward and played with his belt to show him exactly what I meant, "but," I continued, "there's one thing I need to tell you, well show you." Kurt sat down on the bed and gazed up at me with his worried blue eyes; they hadn't been grey in months and I wondered if that was my doing.<p>

Slowly I unbuttoned my shirt but paused before opening it, my hands shook slightly; what if he was disgusted like Ben used to say he was? Suddenly Kurt's hands were on my face and he stared into my eyes as he slid the shirt onto the floor and stepped back to see the damage.

He didn't say any thing, he just ran his fingers lightly over every scar he could find. My breathing hitched at his touch but when his lips found my skin I thought I would cry.  
>"You're so beautiful Blaine," he whispered.<br>"Despite the scars?" I sounded so needy.  
>"Because of them; they show everyone just how much you felt yet you survived. One question?" He pulled me onto the bed but his eyes still ran across every inch of me, like he was trying to count them. "How old are these?" I couldn't look at him, "Blaine please, I don't care if you haven't stopped I just need to know if I have to help you to."<br>"I don't deserve you Kurt," he smiled but didn't say anything, "truthfully, I haven't stopped completely. I've done it maybe once a week in the couple months-"  
>"Oh my God Blaine!" He whispered in a horrified voice and my stomach twisted with guilt.<br>"That's good for me! I used to do it every night, sometimes in the day too. I just couldn't stop, not that I wanted to, but I-" Kurt's eyes shimmered slightly and I trailed off, we both sat in silence for a while because neither of us new what to say after that.

I suddenly caught a glimpse of Kurt's pale chest where I had started to undress him and my chest tightened with lust.  
>"Hey, I want to do something," I smiled playfully and ran my hands up his thighs, "just lay back and relax OK?" He nodded shyly trusting in whatever plan I had, I'm sure he was more than ready for this after denying him for so long. I kissed his lips, moving down his neck and finishing the shirt off, my God he was perfect. His skin was like moonlight, absolutely flawless; I suddenly felt so ashamed of my dark scars and the obviously imperfections but I pushed it to the back of my mind and replaced it with the feel of him in my arms.<p>

I kissed his navel just above the line of his trousers and looked up for permission, he nodded ever so slightly but I needed to hear him say it.  
>"It's OK, just please hurry up?" He whined; I laughed and unzipped the tight trousers slowly, taking in his scent, every muscle tense and flicker that told me he was barely in control.<br>"Oh Hummel you never said!" I giggled at the size of his bulge, we had touched each other before but Kurt never failed to get embarrassed when I complimented him.  
>"I… I… Oh God Blaine touch me!" I didn't need to be told twice and quickly slipped off his boxers.<p>

At first I didn't entirely know what to do with him, truth be told I was scared that he would turn on me like Ben, but that was irrational right? I tried to bury the fear in Kurt's soft moans as I let my mouth do what I done so many times before, but never at my own accord. It was strange how different it was though, his hands weren't holding me down so I was free to lick, suck and tease any part I wanted to and he wasn't ordering or belittling me – In fact he could barely form my name let alone any real sentences as he lost himself in the act and it was so hot. I teased the head of his dick and he squealed in a way that should have made me laugh but just made me even more aware of my own, nearly painful, erection.

It wasn't too long before I felt his fingers in my curls and his failed attempt at talking filled the air.  
>"B-B-I-Oh fuck-Gonna-Oh my God!" I smiled and tried to ignore the way my heart was pounding as both hands curled into my hair, I knew he didn't mean it in an aggressive way but it was hard to make my body forget what happened to it.<p>

The feeling of making Kurt cum was spectacular, his hips curled upwards and he gasped and whimpered before spilling into my mouth. I swallowed naturally; some people thought this was disgusting but the thought of spitting cum on the floor was even worse to me. Plus the taste of Kurt Hummel was anything but disgusting. Once the last waves of climax left his body we lay still for a moment before I crawled up, kissing his body as I went; he tasted like sweat, sex and something so distinctive that I could only call 'Kurt.' I nuzzled into my exhausted boyfriend who was still panting with his eyes closed and a smile on his pink lips.  
>"Enjoy it?" I mumbled suddenly very tired.<br>"Oh, you're so, funny," he started to catch his breath and let his hands run down my body until- "Blaine, I think I'm not the only one who needs to be satisfied," he may have looked playful but I didn't know if he was just acting.  
>"I'll be fine, I'll take care of my-"<br>"No! I can't let you do that to me and think I won't return the favour!" He sounded defiant with a touch of nerves in his eyes but his hand rubbed me and I forgot how to breathe, why was I so wound up tonight?  
>"You really… Don't have to go, down, ahh, on me," his hand was already in my pants and I could hardly protest in this state. He didn't go down on me but his steady stokes, playful fingers and well placed kisses meant I was calling his name just a few minutes later.<br>"Blaine… I'm not complaining or anything," Kurt said quietly, he didn't look at me but I could see him blushing already, "but your… dick…" He scrunched his features in embarrassment and I couldn't help but laugh.  
>"I know, I know, it's… wide," I sighed, Ben had mentioned it to me before but I never topped so it didn't matter then and I'm sure Kurt had been waiting for the courage to say something.<br>"Yuhuh," he kissed me, "but I'm sure it will be OK I'm just nervous thinking about it now, one day I'll probably be _grateful_," he blushed again at what he was implying. I blushed as well as he talked so explicitly about our future sex life and kissed him Eskimo style before he fell asleep; for the first time in our relationship we felt completely peaceful with where we were. The more I revealed the easier it became and the distance between us became less and less, I just hoped we would be close enough by the time I came round to the darkest stories. As I watched him sleep for a few more minutes I wondered if he had internal battles like me, if being with me compromised boundaries or promises he made to himself. I decided this week and any other time I had with him to learn everything about him but for now I would enjoy falling asleep with the man whom I loved and loved me back.

* * *

><p>I got him to open up a couple days later when it started to rain torrentially and we didn't have the energy to go shopping or the cinema so we stayed in with Mikaela and watched some Disney movies. I don't know how but I managed to get into a full blown argument with Kaela about which film was better Aladdin or Mulan but I had; Kurt sat watching amused as I struggled to argue with a three year old.<br>"Kurt help me here!" I cried.  
>"Hey I'm just glad to see I'll always win an argument," he giggled, "you two obviously care more than I do about this matter."<br>"How can you not care! It's Disney!" He just shrugged and pulled his knee-length jumper lower so it covered him completely, he looked so utterly adorable dressed like this.  
>"Blaine I want Mulan!" Kaela pouted.<br>"OK, OK, go sit with Kurt then," she rushed and sat on Kurt's lap, she wasn't entirely sure of him quite yet but he made a comfy seat. "I'll get the ice cream, Kaela what did I tell you earlier?"  
>"Don't tell Mommy!" She said proudly.<br>"Good girl," I ruffled her dark curls on my way past to the kitchen and by the time I got back with an assortment of sugary goods the pair were curled up watching the start of the film entranced.

When I sat down Kaela moved onto me for the ice cream, Kurt stayed where he was his blue eyes barely blinking as he watched the story.  
>"Have you never seen this?" He shook his head, "what kind of childhood did you have that you never watched Disney movies?"<br>"I don't know, I must have when I was little but after my Mom died I guess I just focused on making sure my Dad was OK," he didn't really sound sad, it was just a fact of his life.  
>"How could you have looked after your Dad at nine? Surely you must have been a mess as well?" Kaela was too interested in the film to pay any attention to our conversation.<br>"I guess I was, the amount of times I answered the phone 'no she's dead, this is her son' kind of made me used to it. My Dad never dealt with it so neither did I; it must have been hard knowing you were going to have to raise your kid alone and on top of that he was gay." We fell to silence for a few moments as we watched a couple scenes and I thought of something to say that wouldn't make the mood to morbid but got information out of him.  
>"Do you visit her a lot?" He glanced up at me with a smile and nodded.<br>"All the time actually, it's nice to talk to her… I'm not crazy right?"  
>"Not at all, I'd probably be the same but the only person I know who's dead is my Pa and he's buried in the Philippines so I can't really see him…"<br>"Well maybe you'd like to come with me? Y'know if it's not too morbid for you," he smiled softly, I knew that it was hard to let someone into that personal of an aspect in your life.  
>"Of course I would but what if she doesn't approve?"<br>"She won't, she told me that before she died," Kaela looked at me with wide eyes, Kurt's dead pan way of talking about his Mom had us both on edge even if she wasn't quite sure what was being said. "But I wouldn't worry about it, she never said she'd haunt anyone so you're safe," he laughed softly, now sitting up and poked my foot with his since he couldn't lie on me because Kaela was there (which I know for a fact makes him quite jealous.)

About half way through the film Kaela fell asleep and Kurt swapped places with her, he curled into my chest and watched the small girl sleep peacefully at our feet.  
>"I want one," he said quietly, I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear.<br>"Really?" He jumped, confirming my thoughts.  
>"Yeah, I mean look at her! How can you not think about it?" He laid back and looked into my eyes, we were 17 and he was thinking about kids?<br>"Just we're a bit young…" I started to say lamely.  
>"You can dream at any age Blaine, you've imagined your wedding but you can't get married yet, this is the same thing." He turned back to the film for a few seconds before sighing, "it probably won't happen for ages though, I mean I haven't exactly picked an easy profession for a family, plus I'd have to adopt-"<br>"And finding a partner," I added without really thinking and it didn't really register until I felt Kurt stiffen in my arms.  
>"Mhm, I wasn't so worried about that… Not anymore," he was talking quietly again like he didn't really want me to hear what he was saying but of course I did and smiled brightly into his mousy hair.<p>

**So hope you like it. Basically updates will be quite fast because I've basically finished and I want to get it all up!**

**Another Glee Project note: Matheus went out over Alex! I'm sorry but how is Ryan going to write anything for Alex without it being Kurt? He could never be Kurt -_- **

**Plus I loved that little stud muffin. **


	12. Tigers And Sharks

"Urgh I can't believe we're not going to nationals!" Wes cried as we spilled into the wings after graciously applauding McKinley's win, we were all disappointed but no one showed it in front of the others except Kurt could barely contain his excitement for his friends.  
>"There's always next year!" I clapped his shoulder comfortingly but like him I wanted badly to win this year, I mean we should have, we had Kurt! Wes shrugged defeated as David led him away with promises of booze and ice cream, two things Wes couldn't resist, while I went in search of my boyfriend who was celebrating with his old Glee club. Once again I found myself hearing Kurt before I saw him, not that that was unusual just his voice was low and serious and I felt myself trying to be silent as I crept towards the sound.<br>"'Cedes it's like a dream come true being with him," I could imagine him leaning on a table with his big blue eyes fluttering up at Mercedes as he said this, "I just don't believe he loves me." Oh God why was I always listening to these things?  
>"Honey if Blaine said it I'm sure he meant it, he wouldn't throw around something like that?"<br>"He's so broken 'Cedes, I just don't know if he's saying it because he thinks it's the right thing to do? We have so much more to talk about and I'm afraid I'm getting too caught up in his story and he's really going to leave me…" I felt like my heart was physically breaking as Kurt's voice hitched and I wanted to go in there and tell him to stop being so stupid but I couldn't move, I had to listen.  
>"Kurty he's <em>not <em>going to leave you! Hell to the no will I let him hurt you, just because he's got a sob story don't mean he can play with you," they both laughed softly, "but really I don't think he will-"  
>"But what if he never gets through this! I can't stick around waiting and giving him my heart if he's never going to love me back! 'Cedes he's tried… He's tried to <em>kill himself<em> before," Kurt whispered harshly, I knew he hated thinking about that so saying it must be hard. "What if he does it again and succeeds? Then it will be all my fault for not being able to save him-" There was more but I didn't hear it because my ears stopped working and I thought my body was going to fall apart or the floor would collapse in but neither of these things happened, instead I started to run away.

I ran out of the theatre, past the crowd of people who gave me curious looks and mutters but didn't stop or ask me what I was doing so I kept going till I reached the parking lot. The cool March air should have been pleasant but it mocked me, I heard my friends calling my name but it didn't register that my name meant me so I kept on running though I knew I couldn't get anywhere. We were in Lima and that was a good two or more hours in a car, it could be more than four on foot, plus I was in my uniform, plus my knee was already beginning to hurt. I kept on running until I thought that my knee was broken and I couldn't breathe or see properly but by that time I couldn't feel anything on the inside, my skin wasn't itching anymore and that's all I wanted.

It was getting really dark and I wasn't sure exactly where I was, on the side of a busy road somewhere going in a direction I wasn't exactly sure of when someone pulled up next to me.  
>"Blaine what the <em>fuck <em>are you doing?" JJ shouted through the window at me, pushing open the passenger door, "Wes said to give you your space but _four hours_ Blaine! I thought you had fucking _died!"_ He kept talking but I wasn't listening, I just jumped into the car and sat quietly. "Dude what's wrong? This can't be about nationals?"  
>"I should just leave him," I murmured, "I never deserved him, I was only going to hurt him and I <em>knew that<em>, from the moment I saw him I knew it…" JJ was silent next to me but I could tell he was on edge listening to me. "Why did I think he could love me? WHY JJ?" I shouted at him but he didn't reply and I was glad, "WHAT WAS I EVER THINKING!"  
>"You were thinking you deserved to be loved," JJ said calmly but I shook my head furiously at him, he was right but my brain wouldn't let me see that.<br>"No I just wanted to know I could be normal, first I was a _fag,_" I never used that word and JJ inhaled sharply at it, "then I was abused because of it but I deserved what they did to me. I can never be normal." I hated being like this, I know it's scares JJ, it reminds him of our first weeks together when I was barely in control of myself but I guess now I was _barely_ in control of myself. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped taking my meds, maybe I shouldn't have eavesdropped or told Kurt I love him and I wouldn't feel like this.  
>"Blaine," said JJ seriously, "when we get back to school I want you to take your meds, I want to get into bed and <em>stay <em>there and I _will _check you tomorrow and don't think I won't look everywhere because I will!" He rarely said anything forcefully but he was practically growling at me so I nodded. "I also want the truth tonight Blaine," we had pulled over by a park near our school that I could just about recognize but I hadn't been to in years. "I know Ben used you, I know what he did to you and it wasn't by your choice," I opened my mouth to argue, "_no, it wasn't your choice," _he cut me off and I noticed his blue eyes were darker than I'd ever seen them. "But before that you weren't OK and I know what happened during the summer but it doesn't make sense, you had escaped what more were you running from?"  
>"Please James, please don't do this," I started to beg him, "I can't even tell my sister or Kurt," I started to cry knowing that they would have to know one day, "please don't make me tell you."<br>"Blaine, your friend Luke, what happened with him?" JJ knew exactly what had happened, he had seen it in my eyes since the day I met him and he had waited three years to do this. I was pressed into the corner of the car, he had locked the doors and I thought I was going to suffocate; panic was filling my chest and an uncontrollable fear was rippling through me. "Please Blaine, I'm not trying to scare you," he reached forward and I flinched but he placed a big hand on my shoulder and I started to calm. JJ wasn't going to hurt me, he was blonde and blue eyed like L-Lu-Luke, but he was also taller, wider, he had ears that stuck out more and most importantly he had always been there for me.  
>"I went to the park," I began to talk and flashes of memories came back… "JJ please!" I shouted, "I said yes to Ben, I promise I did, it was just rough-"<br>"Bullshit! Everyone saw what he was doing to you Blaine! Even the teachers saw the bruises, the cuts that _you _made because of _him_! You may have agreed the first time but he was abusing you and how he got away with it I don't know." He paused breathing deeply and suddenly felt as tiny as my 5'7 frame made me appear. His phone vibrated and he picked it up on the third ring after checking the caller ID, "hey Kurt," my heart jolted into my mouth, "yeah I found him, don't worry! We'll be back pretty soon, no, no, I think he just needs to go to bed, yeah, good night." He shut the phone but didn't turn to face me, both of us knowing what had happened that day in the park but neither of us willing to say it out loud. "You know, they say we accept the love we _think _we deserve," I nodded sadly thinking of Kurt and how he deserved so much more than me, "is that why you let Ben do those things to you? Because Luke r-"  
>"DON'T SAY IT!" I roared surprisingly loudly but I just couldn't hear the word, it made me feel so weak and pathetic; only one person had said it to me.<p>

_"Rape?" Lili said with big tearful eyes, as she looked me standing in her doorway, we had been fighting and I just said it, I hadn't meant to. "Luke? He? You? What?"_

"Come on, let's go back," JJ held my hand tightly as we drove back because I was shaking too much and I didn't know what to do with the useless appendages, he also led me up to our room whilst deflecting the barrage of curious questions flung at us. I pulled myself out of my uniform and curled into bed in just my boxers, he stood watching me for a while I could feel his worried eyes on me before sleep crept into my mind. The first day I had met this small, blonde boy with a funny name and a social awkwardness I never thought he would grow up into someone who would continually saved my life.

* * *

><p>"Baby! I was so scared last night! What happened to you?" Kurt said brightly the next morning when I saw him but I couldn't really reply, "Blaine?" I glanced up as he took a seat opposite me but didn't smile or speak, "are you OK? Where's JJ? How come you're alone?" I wanted Kurt to shut up and go away but I couldn't tell him that because I really wanted him to stay and keep talking.<br>"I'm fine just, I'll see you in class later," I didn't mean to be so blunt but I couldn't help it this morning, it took all I had to not say what I was planning on saying right then. I stopped and walked back and kissed him deeply, not caring that there were teachers around, this could be one of our last kisses and he would hate me by the end of today.

"Hey guys can I sing something?" I asked the three council members who were fighting quietly over what to do now we had nothing to prepare for; Thad nodded and went back to arguing, I think he was glad that the others would have some distraction. I turned on the music without telling anyone else and began to sing the song quite quietly but everyone turned to look at me.

_All those dirty words,_

_That you said,_

_Did you mean them?_

_Did you now?_

Would Kurt know I meant this song to him?

_You're biting at the hand that feeds you,_

_Like a stray for some scraps. _

_And everybody you once knew,_

_Has turned their backs._

_And everyone you once loved,_

_Has sold you out._

_It's everyone I know,_

_They faked it from the word go,_

_And I need to know why,_

_Did everyone I love,_

_Has been swimming with the sharks,_

_And I don't know why._

Everyone was watching me intently; this song was way out of our repertoire so they knew it must have been personal, I mean the lyrics kind of gave that away.

_Does defeat leave a taste in your mouth?_

_One that you could live without._

_And everyone that you once knew,_

_Has turned their backs._

_And everyone that you once loved,_

_Has sold you out!_

_It's everyone I know,_

_They faked it from the word go,_

_And I need to know why,_

_Did everyone I love,_

_Has been swimming with the sharks,_

_And I don't know why._

_How do you try to let go,_

_Of someone that you know?_

How do you? I glanced at Kurt and he tilted his head in curiosity and I felt so heartless.

_So how does that feel?_

_How does that feel?_

_How do you, how do you,_

_So how does that feel!_

_How does that feel?_

_How do you, how do you-_

_How does that feel?_

_How does that feel, to you! _

_To you._

"Thanks…" I said to Wes, David and Thad who were sitting with their mouths slightly open and walked out of practice knowing we wouldn't get anything else done today.  
>"Blaine!" I spun round at Kurt's voice, "hey what was that?"<br>"What was what?"  
>"Don't be stupid, that song what was it supposed to mean?" He was trying to be serious but his eyes were sparkling slightly with fear and I almost lied and said I was just feeling down but that wouldn't be fair to Kurt.<br>"I'm sorry, I just… I didn't know how to say it and I don't think I can but I have to do this for you."  
>"What-"<br>"Kurt I think we should break up," I spoke over him and he recoiled like I had hit him.  
>"<em>Break up?"<em> He hissed the words quietly looking round to check no one else heard this happen. "Are you high?"  
>"I just think it would be better if we weren't dating," I didn't make eye contact.<br>"OK… why?" He said calmly folding his arms over his chest.  
>"You, you deserve more than I can ever give you, you deserve the whole world on a silver platter, and you definitely deserve more than to wait around giving your heart to someone you might never love you back." He gasped as I quoted what he had said last night, "you don't deserve to have to compromise yourself because I can't be what you want because I'm too fucked up to have a normal relationship, and you can't be afraid of what I might do to myself, because I don't know if I'm OK. I know you make me better, you give me a reason to be alive but that doesn't mean one day I won't fall down the rabbit hole and you'll be there blaming yourself for what I did." Tears were rolling down both of our faces, he couldn't be angry because I was only saying what he had already said, but I was angry. I was angry that I was so in love with him that it hurt and I couldn't be with him because I was too broken to support myself let alone him. I kissed him again and he kissed me back desperately, he wrapped his arms around my neck tightly as though he could stop this from happening. "Kurt, I love you, I love you more than I thought was possible but you need better than this and you'll find it, I promise." I walked away from him feeling worse than I ever had before, in that moment I would have taken the pain I felt the night I tried to die over this. I hadn't decided if Kurt and I would still be friends but I knew that would probably be too hard, we had made a habit of making use of empty classrooms and I'm sure that habit would be one to die hard if we were in close contact. I trudged up to the senior dorms to find our school dealer, every school had one but here all he seemed to be getting expensive Champagne and cocaine that would probably end up killing someone soon. I knocked on his, Jacobi's, door and remembered he was bisexual, my brain started to race as I waited for him to answer. If I needed someone maybe I could come to him for more than illegal goods, it would keep me from jumping on Kurt wouldn't it?<br>"Well, well, Blaine Anderson?" Jacobi answered the door in his slow drawl, he was a bit taller than me, with long shaggy brown hair and bruised eyes that made me feel like he could die at any second.  
>"The one and only," I smiled casually.<br>"What do you want? You've never been to me before, I thought you gave all this up once you got to D," I followed him into his dorm.  
>"I did too but now I just need something to forget."<p>

**Lyrics - Tigers And Sharks by You Me At Six. **


	13. Between You And I

"End of year is just two weeks away boys! I need everyone to be packed up and ready _before_ then!" Mr. Day was shouting at us in an overly cheerful tone that I normal found bearable but in my slightly drunk state it was just annoying. "Mr. Thompson stop talking for ONE second!" I sat quietly next to JJ just trying to seem sober while David sat at my feet chattering at Wes who was trying his hardest not to reply and listen to Mr. Day. I glanced up and caught Kurt's eyes across the room, my heart fell into my stomach and I dropped my gaze, he must have known I wasn't sober. In fact a lot of people must have known I wasn't sober since I hadn't been for more than a couple hours a day for the last two months. I hadn't been home apart from to grab some clothes after a party which I would probably still be drunk from, I hadn't talked to my sister face to face and I had sobered up enough to do my finals so my teachers didn't really notice.

Nothing had changed since Kurt and I broke up, we still had classes together and it was awkward, especially for the teachers who took a while to realise we weren't together anymore. David, Wes and JJ were still friendly with Kurt, there was no reason they shouldn't be but Kurt had made other friends, only Kurt could find the friendship group I wasn't part of and I was thankful. We'd had a couple run ins, the first during 3rd period about a week after we broke up; we passed each other in the corridor and he smiled and… I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up half dressed in one of the lounges but I stopped before his hands slipped into my pants and I walked away without another word. We had tried hard after that but sometimes when we had late night meetings we couldn't help but make out with each other, our hands and tongues hungry for each other. He must have tasted the alcohol but he only said something once.

_"Blaine are you drunk?"  
>"Shut up and kiss me," I closed his mouth with mine.<br>"No," he pushed me away, "is that why you're acting so weird all the time? You're drunk!" He started to get squeaky and I was getting angry, he shouldn't care about me anymore.  
>"Oh fuck off Kurt, I'm not yours anymore, I can do whatever I like."<em>

I hadn't cut until I saw Kurt wearing one of the hoodies I let him keep, it would have been fine if he had worn any other one than his favourite; Sierra's old Harvard Medicine hoodie that had ANDERSON stamped across the back. I stared at him and he smiled back completely unaware of the fact he had _my _surname on his back. That night the cuts were deeper than I remember doing them before, it was like I was numb to the pain but the amount of blood was something I couldn't ignore. JJ tried to shout at me but I didn't listen, most of the time when I stumbled back into the room I was too drunk to stay upright let alone listen to JJ as he tried to save my life.

Lili and Sierra called almost everyday for a month, even Gus called to see if I was alright and to ask if that meant he wouldn't be meeting Kurt this summer when we all went to Spain. I appreciate the concern but I was in that place where only one thing could make the pain stop and that was the stopping of the pain but the only thing that could stop the pain was the thing that was causing the pain. I'd been upping my antidepressant dose until it was almost dangerous levels along with the alcohol I could have keeled over any day but I really couldn't bring myself to care. Even when JJ was getting no sleep because I was having seizures again, I couldn't care, even when Kurt was at my door at 3am crying for me to stop, I couldn't care but I still wouldn't admit I what I was doing.

* * *

><p>"You look like shit," Lili stated bluntly when she came over to my place the night before we were setting off to Spain; my parents weren't home and I had a triple whiskey in my hand - she didn't need to know it was my fourth.<br>"I love you too," I said dryly as I tried to pack but kept finding clothes that reminded me of Kurt that I just couldn't bring myself to put in the case.  
>"Seriously I have no pity for you, Kurt was the best thing that's ever happened to you and you just threw it away like something better would come along!"<br>"Lili please don't," I begged her softly, I hadn't explained what Kurt had said and why I had broken up with him.  
>"Urgh I don't even care anymore! We're going to get on that plane tomorrow, we're going to have an amazing time with our best friend for ten days and then we can come back and deal with your suicide attempt." She snapped angrily and then smile apologetically, I knew she meant no harm but I glanced at the drink in my hand and realised all this was an elongated suicide attempt.<p>

Spain in late May was delightful, it got pretty hot in June and July but the month earlier it wasn't too hot and we could enjoy the sun pretty much all day without needing a break. I had been looking forward to taking Kurt to Europe and putting his minimal Spanish to the test, introducing him to Gus and taking him to some our favourite spots in the beautiful town he lived in. We spent all day at the beach behind Gus' house and our nights in the clubs downtown; Gus' Dad owned enough of the business that they were happy to turn a blind eye to our age. One night Lili dragged us and some of Gus' Spanish friends down to one of the more underground places where we drunk more than we thought we were capable of and somehow got home at half one when the 'rough' crowd began to come in.

"Aqui," **here**Javier said pushing a pill into my palm.  
>"Qué?" <strong>What? <strong>I slurred back after swallowing it.  
>"Magic!" He laughed before disappearing, he wasn't far wrong about it being magic, just a few minutes later everything was magical and I lost myself in the music.<p>

I awoke the next morning feeling like someone had violently killed me last night, every muscle screamed as I tried moved which is when I noticed I was naked and there was someone next to me. I closed my eyes and prayed that two plus two made five this morning.  
>"Blaine?" Lili said from beside me and my heart dropped, we both looked at each other and knew exactly what had happened last night; I didn't even need the flood of memories that told me rushed kisses and furious touching had taken us over.<br>"I'm so sorry Lil, I don't even-" And then the strangest thing happened, she kissed me and I kissed her back.

That week was a mess of secret kisses and drunken sex, we rarely spoke during the day but kept up appearances so that nobody would guess there was anything amiss between us. During our encounters I called out Kurt's name and she cried afterwards, I don't know how we thought it was healthy or OK for us to be doing this but we were filling a void and we couldn't be blamed. Sometimes you had to do things that were wrong, I remembered a book I had once read; the main character let his friend go into a downward spiral after he broke up with his boyfriend because he thought he was helping by just being there to do whatever his friend needed him to do. It was pretty much exactly like that, maybe it was even helping because I seemed to be sober more often than I had been before but we stopped when we got back to America, both agreeing it wasn't good for us and I felt lost until I saw Kurt.

He was in Lima Bean, I was in town collecting a birthday present for my sister and decided to stop at the old meeting place because I needed something other than alcohol in my system. He had his back to me, and a non-fat mocha in one hand, flailing the other round in some dramatic story telling; he also had my red scarf on. I couldn't help but stare when I realised he was still wearing my clothes, did he wear that hoodie often? The ANDERSON one? Mercedes caught my eye and her face fell slightly but she managed to catch it and smile at Kurt without giving anything away.  
>"I'm sorry," I mouthed but she just shook her head and pulled out her phone.<p>

_Just be at Jude's and tell him you're sorry – M_

I nodded and smiled a thanks back, which she returned, I guess Kurt had told her exactly what I'd said to him and how I was practically destroying myself being without him. I sent a text to a couple of the guys asking about Jude's, it was in a couple days time and it was one of the more civilized affairs so I wasn't really up for it before now. As I walked away thinking of being there and talking to Kurt images of Lili kept popping into my mind; nights with her had been strange, I was too drunk and wound up on Kurt to care she was a girl or my best friend. It had been easy to fuck her but I'm not sure why, maybe because I knew there was nothing there, because nothing depended on how she treated me and because I was the guy of course I was going to be in charge of her. We had both apologised afterwards and agreed to not let it have an effect on our friendship because we weren't quite ourselves when all that happened.

* * *

><p>"Sing to him!" Sierra cried from my computer screen, I looked at her sceptically but Wes, David and JJ agreed from my bed where they were trying to decipher Vogue. "No seriously, that's how you met right? So it would be perfect," she disappeared off screen following Mikaela's small voice, "oh and also wear your bracelet." I wriggled down my sleeve and flashed the silver jewellery, which I hadn't removed since I received it in February, and everyone fell silent. They all knew why I had worn it all this time, it was the last physical remainder of our relationship and once I took it off it meant we were really over; I had meant to ask if anyone knew if Kurt had worn his but I don't think I could take it if they said no.<br>"I have the perfect song actually," I said suddenly, we said our goodbyes and I went to get changed for the party; in my rush I missed the boys exchange worried glances, the texts from Lili telling me to be careful and the way Louisa asked if I was feeling OK. I was just too hung up, once again, on Kurt and making it up to him tonight.

Jude's was quieter as usual; everyone was in the garden, enjoying the extended June evening by drinking, splashing in the pool or making food, it was nice to have a calm evening for once.  
>"Kurt," I said softly in his ear, my hand resting on his waist and I felt his body relax into me before recomposing himself; he missed me. "Come with me for a second?" He looked at me curiously but I looked up from under my dark lashes and smiled earnestly, "I'm completely sober, promise." He smiled and followed me, hand in hand, without saying anything but a couple people threw us suspicious glances.<p>

We walked through the house until I found the music room, which was really a large room with a piano in it and not much else, and I pulled him onto the bench next to me and started to play.

_Would you believe me,_

_If I said I was sorry?_

_The question wasn't meant to hurt,_

_It was just my fear,_

_Of losing you._

_And now you're filling all the space,_

_That surrounds you._

_I'll soon be tucked away underneath your bed,_

_Where you gave yourself to me,_

_Where I gave myself to you._

He sat silently, barely even breathing as I played; neither of us noticed as the audience gathered behind us.

_Maybe it's all for the best,_

_But I just don't see any good in this._

_No, maybe we'll find something better, ohh._

_But the lovers that leave us,_

_Will always hold their place._

He shook slightly next to me but I carried on.

_And maybe it was wrong of me,_

_To think that I could keep you._

_And maybe it's the last few drinks,_

_That came over my mouth and,_

_Oh I've been thinking._

_I want you to know I've been fine here without you,_

He gasped slightly as I looked up into his eyes at this line.

_But I can't bring myself to lie to you._

Tears started to run down his face and he smiled softly.

_And since we're being honest,_

_I feel I should tell you,_

_I've been filling up the empty space between you and I._

_Between you and I,_

_She could never compare to you._

He flinched back with a confused look and I adverted my eyes to the eyes even though I had no need to look at them; he knew I was telling the truth.

_Between you and I,_

_I still keep your pictures,_

_Underneath my bed._

_Where she gives herself to me,_

_Where I give myself,_

_To you._

He shuddered with sobs now, knowing this was my confession; I had fucked someone else after so much pain we went through saying that I couldn't sleep with him.

_Maybe it's all for the best,_

_But I just don't see any good in this!_

_No, maybe we'll find something better,_

_But the lovers that leave us will always hold their place._

_Maybe it's all for the best,_

_But I just don't see any good in this!_

_No, maybe we'll find something better,_

_But the lovers that leave us will always hold their place._

_Yeah, the lovers that leave us will always hold their place._

The silence was deeper than anything I had ever heard and once the piano stopped ringing, it was almost painful; I was taken back to the moments when I was waking up in hospital and nothing really worked and for some time I was pretty much deaf and it was all so heavy. I turned around at the slightest noise and noticed everyone watching through the double doors and gave them an exasperated look, thankfully they understood and disappeared but I still felt exposed.

"Kurt I'm so sorry," I began to talk but he held up his hand and shook his head in disbelief.  
>"Just shut up OK? You broke my heart Blaine! You just sung that stupid song and ripped it out of my chest and I didn't even know why!" He stood up and began to really shout at me. "We never talked about it! It was just over and then we'd hook up and you'd flip out and you were drunk <em>all the time<em> Blaine! I thought you were going to die, everyone thought you were _trying _to die! But I couldn't do anything because I thought you didn't love me, or you didn't care or something and it hurt so much because truth is I actually love you." He got on his knees in front of me, which was completely un-Kurt-like. "I haven't even known you a year and I'm so in love with you that it hurts Blaine and I guess I didn't realise that until you broke up with me but that doesn't make it OK."

"I love you too!" I shouted taking his hands in mine and pulling him back up next to me. "I can't live without you, you saw what happened to me, I was in so much pain all the time and every time I was near you I just wanted you."  
>"So how could you leave me!"<br>"I overheard you and Mercedes talking after regionals; how you said you couldn't waste your time loving me when I'm so utterly broken, how if I killed myself it would be all your fault and I had to protect you from that!" I was crying now and realised it was the first time in a very long time and it felt really good. "I knew I wouldn't survive without you but I had to somehow to show you that it would be OK for you to go on without me, that you didn't really need me at all-"  
>"Blaine!" He screeched and I jumped, "I can't believe you eavesdropped on me!" He giggled and I gave an awkward smile but I was still crying too much to really laugh. "God I just… it would <em>never <em>be OK, trust me Blaine, no matter what I will never be OK without you. You've changed me and yeah it's been hard and it's going to get harder and maybe in a year or ten we'll part ways for good but right now I know if you're willing to stick with me – The diva extraordinaire who will probably make you bankrupt and drag you cross-country to pursue a failing career then I will go through _anything _for you." He fell into my shoulder, his head fitting just perfectly in the curve like it had a thousand times before now and I felt something roll off my tongue but the voice that followed it didn't sound like it belonged to me but it had to be.

"Kurt I was raped."

**Lyrics - Between You And I by Every Avenue (love love love.)**


	14. Beautiful Disaster

Returning to Dalton in the fall felt like coming home; Ms. Moore was already scolding David by the time I pulled up in the late evening and I spied the nervous freshmen watching us from their commons. I smiled brightly at the newly-uniformed boys and JJ rolled his eyes.  
>"You need to be assertive Blaine! How do you expect to get any kind of respect by <em>smiling<em> at them!" I just laughed at my bear-like friend.  
>"Jay I don't think you need to look anymore intimidating to be honest…" He shrugged in faux modesty and bounced off to find the football guys and get the new training started up. Seniors pretty much co-managed everything with the teachers and by the first Monday morning schedules had been made and sent out across the school; it was pretty manic. I had declined the offer, again, to be made a Warbler Council member but was swim captain, debating captain and pretty much in charge of the junior bilingual club – Which sounds a lot lamer than it is, basically just all the bilingual kids get put forward for exams out of their timetables and have to go for extra tutoring and preparation and I agreed to help out and had slowly been promoted.<p>

Kurt was already in when I found our dorm; we hadn't seen each other for a week because his family decided to take a break to somewhere or another _just _as a family. I didn't mind, I needed to spend some time talking to my family (well Sierra and Dan) after I had revealed everything to Kurt. I had told him every detail I could remember and he just listened and listened and listened, he asked a few questions but he couldn't really speak and I didn't blame him, everything sounded horrible. I didn't tell my parents and Kurt didn't press it because it seemed obvious why, the truth was I hadn't seen them this summer apart from when we went away but even then we were in a group. My Dad didn't look at me all summer when he found out I was still dating Kurt and my Mom asked me why I was still doing this to him when it couldn't last. After that I just stayed away from home, I was surprised my Dad hadn't made me move out or disowned me or something dramatic but I guess he had other theories in his head. Burt I had become a father to me over the months and Kurt convinced me to tell him what happened to me, which went surprisingly smoothly.

_"Blaine, I'm real sorry, I had no idea you went through all that. Have you reported them?" _Burt was just being a typical concerned parent but irritated me that four years later it wasn't even my parents being concerned. I cheerily explained I just needed to tell them both so they understood why I wasn't quite normal sometimes and I just wanted to get on with my life, it was a long time ago and I'm happy now. I really am.

* * *

><p>"Hey you know what day it is today?" I asked Kurt as he attempted to study.<br>"Um, September 27th?" He said curiously.  
>"No, well yes but today is the day we met, a year ago!" I had noted it on my calendar; I knew that today would be an important date for me even if Kurt never ended up being something in my life.<br>"Oh wow, I totally forgot! What do you wanna do?" I loved the look of utter surprise on his boyish face.  
>"You," I said seriously but Kurt laughed shortly.<br>"Blaine you're not… Oh gosh you're serious? About a month ago you were explaining to my Dad that we wouldn't be having sex for years!"  
>"You believed that? Anyways, slight exaggeration I guess… I mean what do you say in that context, he's still your <em>father<em> Kurt!" He just stared at me and I started to blush. "I'm sorry, I just… If you don't want to-"  
>"No, no, trust me <em>I want to<em> but honey, you're not ready-"  
>"I am!" I cried in a rather childish way that was quite ironic.<br>"_And _neither am I," he finished looking at me solidly but then his eyes flashed playfully, "but you know I really am ready for a shower, but I may need some assistance?" Though Kurt and I hadn't had sex we still had a rather satisfying sexual side to our relationship, especially with Kurt's new-found shower kink which I really didn't mind being part of I just wondered if there was anything else _kninkier _hiding in him.

On Kurt's birthday, our anniversary, on New Years, on my birthday, on Valentine's Day, in Puerto Rico in spring break; nothing could get to sleep with me. I mean that may sound strange but I wouldn't have pressed it if I hadn't (ACCIDENTALLY) seen texts between him and Tina.

_I just want to fuck him! – K_

_Has he offered? – T_

_Yes but I know he's not really ready – K_

_So? He'll be ready when he's balls deep in- UM EXCUSE ME THIS IS RACHEL AND I THINK THE WAY YOU'RE OBJECTIFYING BLAINE IS VERY CRUDE AND VULGAR AND YOU SHOULD RESPECT YOURSELF A BIT MORE! – T_

_Please shut up Rachel. – K_

I sat watching Kurt shout at a junior who was distracting the little group he had huddled round him listening to something about the play he was helping to direct and wondered how I had been so lucky. He got up and started to pace and I noticed he was wearing my hoodie, none other than the ANDERSON Harvard one; I had told him one night that seeing him wear it had really sent me down when we were apart because I loved imagining him with my surname so now he wears it all the time he can. He shot me a desperate look and a smile and I suddenly had an idea, the most brilliant, insane, perfect, reckless idea I had ever had; I needed to go shopping.

* * *

><p>That Monday Kurt asked to sing in Warbler practice and everyone, slightly bored, jumped at the chance to hear him sing.<p>

"I found this when we broke up, it was just so perfect and I wanted to sing it but I didn't know how or when or if you would even be listening," he said staring at me fiercely.

_He drowns in his dreams_

_An exquisite extreme I know_

_He's as damned as he seems_

_And more heaven than a heart could hold_

_And if I try to save him_

_My whole world could cave in_

_It just ain't right_

_It just ain't right_

My heart fell slightly as he looked anywhere but at me.

_Oh and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_Such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_He's magic and myth_

_As strong as what I believe_

_A tragedy with_

_More damage than a soul should see_

_And do I try to change him?_

_So hard not to blame him_

_Hold on tight_

_Hold on tight_

He looked sad and apologetic for this but I knew he was just being honest and that's all I could ever ask for.

_Oh 'cause I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_Such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_I'm longing for love and the logical_

_But he's only happy hysterical_

_I'm waiting for some kind of miracle_

_Waited so long_

_So long_

_He's soft to the touch_

_But frayed at the end he breaks_

_He's never enough_

_And still he's more than I can take_

_Oh 'cause I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_Such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

_He's beautiful_

_Such a beautiful disaster_

We kissed softly and David mock-gagged next to me but was promptly hit by Wes; the Warblers were used to our PDAs and the absolute sappy mess that I had become around Kurt.

"You are so beautiful you know that?" Kurt said so seriously I couldn't help but blush.  
>"But a complete disaster," he laughed and held onto me tighter.<br>"I wouldn't have you any other way," it hurt to hear him say things like that because I just couldn't believe he would love me enough to feel like this, that he could accept everything about me so readily when even I wanted to pretend they didn't exist. "Hey, you want to come and visit my Mom with me on Saturday? I mean because it's graduation I just wanted to go and see her and-" He was babbling.  
>"You don't need to explain it to me baby, of course I'll come if you want me there."<p>

* * *

><p>As I drove Kurt to the cemetery on Saturday morning I was full of nerves, it had taken us over a year since he first put the idea forward to actually make this happen and I wasn't really sure what the protocol for this kind of thing was. Kurt looked so peaceful staring out the window with the flowers in his lap, Giant African Dasies, apparently she used to have them in the house when he was really little and since he was graduating high school today it only seemed fitting to revisit his youth. We didn't speak apart from him giving me directions and once we arrived we sat in the car in silence for a while wondering what to do next.<p>

"Are you OK?" I asked suddenly, sounding really loud.  
>"Yeah just nervous I guess..." He blushed deeply.<br>"How comes?"  
>"Well I mean you're actually here to see my Mom and well, she's <em>dead <em>Blaine, it's pretty anticlimatic just sitting there and-"  
>"Oh hush," I cut him off with a light kiss, "I'll let you in on a secret?" He curved a perfect eyebrow, "I'm nervous too," we both giggled and got out the car before holding hands and him leading me to the site.<p>

Her grave stone was simple white marble and spotless, my heart twisted slightly at the sight since it showed just how much the two Hummel men missed her after nearly 10 years but it was kind of beautiful how regularly they visited her.

_Elizabeth Marie Hummel_

_1967 - 2002_

_Beloved mother and wife, her light is everlasting._

Kurt sat down on the grass not even caring about his coat and I sat down next to him feeling even more nervous now we were actually here; I had only been to a cemetery twice, the first when my Pa died and the second when my Great-Aunt buried her dog (which was an awkward and slightly scary experience.)

"Mom this is Blaine, remember I told you about him?" Kurt spoke in a tone I had never heard before, it was so peaceful but so sad at the same time, "I'm sorry it took so long for you to meet him but," he paused and looked at me, "sometimes life gets in the way. We're graduating together today and I'm kinda scared, you know it's really over? I don't really know what to do after school, I mean I know what I said but what if I can't do it?" I watched him with absolute fascination as he spoke, he was admitting things he would never dare tell me but I knew he wanted to; he seemed to forget I was there but I could see him slightly look to me sometimes and I knew he was speaking to us both.  
>"Of course you can," I whispered making him jump, "you can do anything because you're the strongest and most talented person Elizabeth and I know," I was surprised at how easy it was to talk about her like she was still here.<br>"But it all gets so much harder from here," he whimpered, "I'm going to be all alone, I'm going to have to do this and I don't think I can! I won't have anything else but to get myself where I always said I was going to end up but how the hell am I supposed to!"  
>"Kurt you're not alone, you have your family there and you have me, always," I kissed him and he melted into my body, his panic rushing out into my mouth.<br>"I wish she was here," he was crying softly, "I wish she was here to hold me, I wish I could just smell her, hear her, anything to know that she still believes in me..." Goosebumps rose across my whole body as he spoke, "she used to sing to me even though she really couldn't and I once asked her to shut up but I would give anything for that voice again," he was shaking and all I could do was hold him as tightly as possible.  
>"I know baby, I know," I murmured helplessly, "she is here, she is I promise, she never left you and she never will. As long as you believe in yourself so does she and even when you don't I know she'll send you someone to help you, I think," I paused not knowing if I should say it, "I think she sent me to you."<br>"What?" He looked like he wanted to laugh, I blushed furiously and he looked at the headstone and then back at me, "I... I thought that too when I first met you..." I laughed loudly and snuggled in closer to him, sometimes it was hard to believe that Kurt was real when he was this perfect. We spent a while there, just talking our thoughts out loud and admitting things while Elizabeth listened silently as her son voiced his fears and hopes for the billionth time to her and the first time to the boy who he loved.

**More fluff and sap and good stuff :)**

**Lyrics - Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson (which I would love to see as Klaine song!)**


	15. Graduation

Graduation night came round too fast for me to process, everyone I had known since I was 13 was in black robes with their gold tasselled hats and matching nervous expressions on their faces. I looked around our group and realised things were really going to change from that night; Wes and David were (obviously) going to Yale together, though different courses and JJ was off to LSE (London School of Economics – not sure how he managed that one) and couldn't stop crying. Kurt had landed himself a scholarship to Julliard and already been pegged for some pretty good roles to be coming his way; while I was following him to New York to study History and French at Columbia. I argued with my Mom a lot over that one, eventually explaining that I had relatives and friends in Spanish-speaking countries and it was just a degree it didn't mean I was going to suddenly become French. Truth be told I like arguing with her, it was the first proper conversation we had had all year and I missed her especially after seeing how much Kurt missed his Mom and how he could never see her but somehow my Mom always made me want to be thousands of miles from her whenever we talked.

It was nice to see my parents back to their old selves, smiling falsely, boasting about pretty much anything Sierra and I had done in the last ten years and shaking hands with all the richest parents. They met Burt and Carole and were, thankfully, very polite and when Burt mentioned his cars my Dad immediately explained how I _loved _to fix cars; Burt had awkwardly smiled at me and I remembered telling him my Dad made me fix cars because he thought it would make me straight.

"Thank God they're getting along," Kurt whispered as we watched the adults from the wings of the stage.  
>"I know, especially if we're moving in together." I replied as coolly and casually as I could, which wasn't very.<br>"What!" Kurt gasped and so did a few others who had been in earshot, "when did this happen!"  
>"When I bought an apartment in New York for us," I said blushing as he gaped at me like a fish, a few people clapped my back and said Congrates but Kurt didn't reply because the roll call started and we had to get in order. I was one of the first up on stage and I wouldn't have been nervous if getting my diploma was the hardest thing I had to do tonight but unfortunately my heart was in my throat and I tripped slightly walking off the stage. <em>Oh fuck.<em>

After that Warblers' sung our final set of Raise Your Glass by P!nk, You Won't Feel A Thing by The Script and SexyBack by Justin Timberlake (obviously David's choice.) When we finished up and the audience quietened down Wes and David went to make their Senior Council Member speech, which should have been one person but in Wes-and-David style they had both been promoted.  
>"It's tradition for the senior council members to make a speech," Wes said the words we had rehearsed so many times and I began to realise this was happening, in real life, not my bedroom.<br>"This year though we want to do something different," David said giving that smile that usually gave teachers' heart attacks, "someone who _should _have been council member but in his modest style declined it. Twice."  
>"Four intense years of being the best student Dalton has ever seen," Wes glanced at David nervously who nodded happily, "so sorry Principle Goddard, sorry Ms. Moore, but you ready for a memorable graduation? Blaine?" Everyone was so tense I swear to God I could have died right there. I walked up to the podium and was so thankful for the way the lights blacked out the audience, I really don't think I could have done this seeing other people's faces.<br>"Hey I know this um, unorthodox, shall we say and everyone seems very tense but relax! This _could_ go well-" My voice was smooth and light and very much like my Dad's any time I heard him practising for work so I knew if I found his face he would be smiling but not for long. "When I was a freshman I auditioned for the Warblers and choked it, like seriously, forgot the words and ran out the room and it was a disaster." Everyone laughed on cue. "But I was given a second chance and I found my confidence and my passion for music, everything I am came from being in this amazing group so thank you," an applause broke out for a few moments. "It's also to blame for something else in my life, love; in September of my junior year I was running late to one of our impromptu performances and got stopped by a kid who didn't even have a blazer." I could feel Kurt tensing in his place in the Warbler formation behind me and everyone in the audience who knew the story was beginning to get nervous about the direction of this speech. "My Dad used to tell me 'if you find someone who you could imagine being with, even when they're pissing you off, never let them go,' I mean not as eloquent as some philosophers but he was right. And I found that person and I did let them go but like the Warblers they gave me another chance, and well also like the Warblers I promised myself I would make the absolute most of it, so-" I spun around and the boys pushed Kurt out onto the stage, I glanced at the council members who just smiled happily; they had obviously explained the plan when I was talking. Kurt stumbled towards me and hissed _what are you doing_ soundlessly which I always thought was a talent of his; I just smiled and grabbed one of his hands.  
>"Kurt Elizabeth," he giggled slightly, "Hummel," I knelt down in front of him, "you brought me back to life, so please, let me spend it trying to thank you."<br>"Blaine!" He squeaked and glanced out at the black crowd, probably trying to find his Dad and see if he was having another heart attack; my heart jolted at that thought but it was just another reason to be with him, he needed someone to lean on so he didn't have to be strong for everyone else all the time.  
>"Marry me?" I produced a red velvet box from my robes and flicked it open, inside was a diamond band, the kind that didn't have any metal between them and looked frightfully expensive because it <em>was<em>.

Everyone was holding their breath, I could feel them all anticipating Kurt to run off stage or to slap me or something horrendously embarrassing that would be a fantastic story to tell for the rest of their lives. I started to get scared as he just looked at me like I'd grown an extra head or something and looked desperately at the boys for some comfort when-  
>"Yes," he said quietly so only I could hear.<br>"What?" I said loudly and everyone laughed nervously.  
>"Yes!" He said even louder, "Blaine Jonathon Anderson I <em>will <em>marry you!" The applause was deafening but I didn't even notice it as he kissed me deeply and a barrage of people surrounded us cheering and hugging me.  
>"Did you all know?" Kurt cried as I slipped on the ring and he stared at it in awe.<br>"Only David, JJ and I beforehand but we told the guys when Blaine was giving his speech; thank God you were so caught up on his words!" Wes smiled broadly hugging Kurt tightly, he really was a sap for weddings and romance and what-not.  
>"Bold move Blaine," Ms. Moore said coolly from behind me, I spun round and blushed deeply remembering I was at school, "congratulations though, I just made forty bucks," I gaped at her.<br>"What?" Kurt said from my side.  
>"Yeah we all made bets when you broke up last spring, I knew you guys would make it though," she flashed a smile and went to make the final goodbyes to the parents and the students filed out to find theirs.<br>"Oh shit," I hissed as I saw my Dad and Burt arguing heatedly and my Mom crying dramatically at his side while Sierra shouted at her; Dan, Finn and Carole stood aside awkwardly not really knowing if this was their place or not.  
>"What's going on?" Kurt said to Carole light-heartedly but my Dad jumped down his throat.<br>"What's going on! YOU! Blaine! This will not happen! This is appalling! I put up with this nonsense while you were in high school but Blaine this is rubbish and it has to stop!" My Dad was seething, people were staring and I'm pretty sure Kurt was going to cry; why couldn't I just die? "You," he turned on Burt, "have abused your child allowing him to be this way and corrupting my son in such a hideous fashion!"  
>"What! What do you know about raising a son? Everything your boy went through that you should have protected him from!" Burt shouted back.<br>"Like what!"  
>"Like-"<br>"UM NO!" I interjected looking at Burt desperately, "this is _not _the time or place for that kind of thing!"  
>"Thank God your grandmother isn't here to see this!" John exclaimed and I lost it, I just couldn't listen to this bullshit anymore.<br>"DAD! 'Ma didn't care I'm gay, that was _you, just you_ and I've had enough!" I hadn't shouted at my Dad since I was 13. "I've built cars, I've played soccer, football, tennis, golf, swimming, track, hockey, baseball and I was asked to do nationals at _all of them_, I've had a perfect grade score since I was five, I went to every, dinner, dance, ball, fund raiser you asked and I danced and entertained every girl you ever told me to! The only thing I've ever done wrong was the fact I never took any of those girls home to fuck and I'm not sorry! I'm not sorry anymore because it's not my fault! I tried so hard to be normal for you but it didn't happened because this is _my _normal and that's all it will ever be!" Everyone in the room was silent and listening to me explode but I just didn't care anymore. "I gave up everything for you so you didn't have to be ashamed of your son and his 'problem' but not now, I can't give up Kurt and trust me I tried! I nearly died doing it," I kissed his hand apologetically and he smiled bashfully, "I really tried but I couldn't stand to be awake and sober for more than a couple hours." Why was I saying this? All the parents gasped and whispered to each other. "I'm sorry but that is me and you should have realised that four years ago when I nearly died," I turned to Kurt, "you'll probably have to keep an eye on me for that…" He nodded knowing 'that' meant alcohol, pills and smoking which I had done for most of sophomore year and had barely given up by the time I met Kurt. I stared at my parents who just blinked at me like they didn't even recognise me but I saw something in my Mom's eyes, something that was only there when she was drunk and talked about her brother Miguel. They both left though without saying anything, pushing through the crowd of parents, which was now thinning when they realised the drama was over.  
>"Blaine," Kurt whimpered softly.<br>"Yeah?" I said, he sounded scared.  
>"I'm so in love with you right now it hurts," then he started to sob in my chest, clutching my robes tightly and all I could do was laugh because it was the funniest thing I had heard all day, maybe it was just the timing.<p>

We went on to Wes' party, which Sierra happily attended as well, enjoying the company of the older siblings whom were friends of friends from her school days and the company of a few too many flaming shots. Kurt and I stayed sober, just enjoying the feeling that came with having your future looking brighter than you ever thought it could look at 18. JJ's sister sat and talked to Kurt about wedding plans in such detail it could have been scary but somehow it wasn't, it wasn't scary at all hearing Kurt talk about an eight tiered cake and doves and red roses, no, pink roses, no orchids! I was just so ready to do this, to make this official, to make Kurt's last name Anderson so when he wore that hoodie I didn't have to imagine and wonder if Kurt would have be mine because he was!

**This needs to happen in Glee, I would cry and watch it 1000x over :D **


	16. Mr & Mr

**Epilogue.**

"Ready?" Sierra said as I fixed my bow tie for the billionth time, she swatted away my hand and smoothed out my tuxedo in one swoop and stilled my hands by my side rolling her eyes.  
>"Ready? Si I've spent two years preparing to be jilted today of course I'm ready…" That was supposed to be a joke but my voice was shaking too much and it lost the humour.<br>"Don't talk like that!" She smiled but glanced outside at the gathering crowd with a tint of uncertainty. I followed her gaze with my own and though neither of would admit it we were both looking for our parents. We hadn't spoken since I moved out but Kurt _insisted_ that I went back to Ohio and give them a proper invite and I had agreed reluctantly but only because I wanted to get Tucker. I had tried to live without my boy there but he didn't have long left and I couldn't bare the thought of not being there for him on his last legs. Kurt had convinced me to put him in the wedding, nothing special; just he'd lie down next to me and look cute.  
>"Hey Blaine, five minutes to go," Clarissa said from round the door, she looked amazing in her sky blue gown; actually so did Sierra and Lili and everyone else in the wedding party – My side were in sky blue and Kurt's were in tinted baby pink.<br>"Here we go," I said and Sierra squeezed my hand tightly; she was walking me down the aisle since Dad wasn't here and I'm sure she was more nervous than I was. I took a last glance out the window and my stomach tightened; there weren't a lot of people because Kurt and I agreed it wasn't a show. My Mom's family, my Dad's, even Uncle Evan had flown back into the country for it, the Warblers from our year and Thad, Kurt's grandparent and his crazy lesbian aunt, who told me all about this fabulous sex shop by her house and how I _must _come down there some time… And then the New Directions, including Mr. Schue and Miss. Pilsbury who had finally become a couple again and were engaged.

I walked into the foyer behind Sierra who was bouncing with excitement, it wasn't that I wasn't excited as well just I was expecting to get there and for Kurt to say he couldn't go through with this and he was sorry. I walked into someone thin and dressed in silk.  
>"Sor- Mom!" I gasped as I looked up and found myself face to face with my mother, "what the hell are you doing here?"<br>"I just, I just couldn't miss it Blaine!" She exclaimed suddenly, "I kept looking at your invite and I went into your bedroom and I just missed you so much," she wasn't crying but she did look pretty upset.  
>"Where's Dad?" I don't know why I asked.<br>"He, he couldn't come," I stared at her, "OK he didn't want to."  
>"Mom why are you here? You made it pretty clear what you thought about me and Kurt and our relationship, what changed?" Sierra was now standing next to me biting her tongue to keep from shouting at the woman.<br>"Your uncle Miguel died," Silvia whispered, "it was the first time I'd seen him since he was 16 and that wasn't right and I didn't want that to happen between you and I," her accent had become so strong I couldn't tell if she was speaking English or Spanish anymore. Sierra took my hand and we stared at our mother, she still wasn't crying but she looked lost and I know if I told her to get lost then I would feel guilty for the rest of my life so Sierra showed her where to sit while I sat on the floor inside. We were really late and Clarissa had come to check on me, I explained what happened she sat with me trying to joke about how Kurt looks like he's about to have a heart attack and it did make me feel better. Kurt was waiting for me, he was upset I wasn't there, that meant I really was getting married today.

"OK," Sierra said brightly, "only left your groom alone at the altar for ten minutes, really ready to go now?" I took her hand and Clarry proceeded before us; as soon as everyone saw me I felt them relax, and when Kurt saw me he looked close to tears. Though that didn't matter because he looked absolutely stunning under the tree, the fully bloomed Japanese red maple that we had spent months looking for, in his white tux with the Swarovski crystal covered top hat that was his only theatrical apparel.  
>"I could kill you," he hissed as I stood next to him and all I could do was laugh and apologise to Burt who was still hovering next to us not knowing what to do.<br>"Well I thought you wouldn't be here anyways so being a little late wouldn't matter," I hadn't meant to voice my fear to Kurt.  
>"Of course I'd be here," he took my hand, "I've been waiting four years for this day."<p>

That day was 27th September naturally, it was cool and sunny, everything I had imagined it and more, Tucker lay by my side loyally and Kurt looked at him sympathetically, we both knew he didn't have that long left.

Afterwards Kurt remained true to his promise to stay sober with me and only had one glass of champagne, which he sipped when we cut the cake and when it was required during the toasts. I had stopped drinking after junior year (with occasional slip ups) because I couldn't bear ever being like that again, I was pretty sure I was being dependant and that was scary, I couldn't risk our future like that.

We had speeches by Sierra, JJ and Burt, the Warblers and New Directions sung a song even though they weren't in their respective glee clubs anymore it was nice to reunite after two years. Then it was Kurt's and my turn, we hadn't had special vows just the basics because we'd been to enough weddings to know no one wanted to stay there for longer than they needed to be and we could say it all in our speech anyways.

"When I was 3 all I asked to get for my birthday was a pair of sensible heels," Kurt said standing in front of everyone, he didn't sound nervous but his hand was shaking ever-so-slightly. "And that was the moment my parents knew I was gay. It took me another 13 years to admit it myself, and of course it wasn't plain sailing, even when I met Blaine but he did make it better. The first time we met he inadvertently called himself a rock star and I knew I was in love.

For a rich kid his wardrobe was a hot mess, he always wore too much gel in his hair and he was dreadfully lacking in musical education but somehow that made him even more endearing; not that he needed to be. He taught me more than I ever though I had to learn about people and about myself, we've only been together four years and half of that was the engagement! Most who know me say its madness but everyone who knows Blaine knows that it's as real as they come," he paused slightly trying not to cry. "It was so hard being in love with someone like Blaine, it was so hard to think about everything that he needed to share with me and how long it took it get here and I'm so glad we did. I just want to say thank you Blaine, thank you for being so perfectly imperfect and for making me realise what it's like to be truly and utterly in love. I will be here through anything and everything even when you're pretending like you don't need my help I'll give it to you anyways. To Blaine, my rock star." He sat down crying fresh tears of happiness and I kissed him deeply and then it was my turn to speak; I was so nervous I thought I would cry.

"So how do I follow that?" I laughed sniffing slightly, "as always Kurt has blown me away and said everything there is to say. God I'm so nervous! This is my first speech as a husband; I actually got married! When I was 13 I never thought I would get married, actually I didn't think I'd see 14 but for some reason I survived," everyone in the room knew what happened and it didn't make sense to ignore it. "For two years I was happy at Dalton, I was but I still didn't know my reason, I was still missing something.

September 27th, a day almost identical to today four years ago I met Kurt in his home made uniform, it took one look to know that that was the boy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I spent two years torturing him and then decided to marry him, why he ever said yes I don't know but I don't care because he's made me the happiest man alive.

Kurt Elizabeth spends too much on clothes, his voice gets irritatingly high when he's angry y no hable o comprende Español pero voy lo a aprender a nos niños!" **And he doesn't speak or understand Spanish but I'm going to teach it to our children!** Kurt pouted and laughed a Little but everyone who spoke Spanish knew he had no idea what I was on about.

"Kurt," I turned to face him, "you are my reason to live and I know a lot of people say that but for me it's the truth, I was given a second chance at life and I truly believe that you are the reason why. I don't know why you love me but I'm glad as hell you do, and I'll cherish everyday until you realise your mistake. To Kurt, my teenage dream." The Warblers all laughed at the reference as I kissed him again, I realised that I still got that fuzzing feeling and the taste of him stained my mouth and I didn't even care because I just wanted to taste him forever. Our song was "Somewhere Only We Know," we sung to each other as we danced and when it finished I whispered gently in his ear.

"One last surprise OK?"

* * *

><p>It was around 3am when I pulled up to Dalton but neither of us were the slightest bit tired; Kurt was blind-folded next to me and wouldn't shut the fuck up so I couldn't have fallen asleep even if I wanted to.<br>"Blaine where are we! What's happening? I'm scared!"  
>"Please shut up and relax will you? Someone will think that I've kidnapped you!" I laughed and got out the car to retrieve Kurt who fell into my arms straight away, he must have hated being blind more than anything. "You trust me right?" He nodded timidly and let me lead him into the school, he tripped and stumbled over every uneven and some fairly even parts of the ground, I couldn't help but wonder how he was such a good dancer with co-ordination like that.<br>"Blaine what the hell," he growled when I let go of his hand to check the dorm was empty as promised; the juniors and seniors were out on a residential trip this weekend and I had pulled some strings.  
>"Come on," I pulled him into the room which was lit by a couple of candles and the moonlight streaming in the bay window on the opposite side, I smiled at the memories.<br>"Are we, are we in Dalton!" He cried, "really? Like seriously?" I blushed and nodded.  
>"It's your first room and I was trying to roman-" He kissed me passionately, we really did cut each other off with kisses far too much.<br>"You're adorable and perfect and urghh, I love you!" I laughed and locked the door behind us, "so what do we do here?"  
>"Each other."<p>

I launched forward kissing him furiously as we pulled each other's clothes off and backed onto the bed, we didn't pause until we were both in our underwear with only one thing left to do.  
>"Can I… Can I top?" We both blushed but not as deeply as we would have done when we were students at Dalton, since then we had experimented sexually and grown far more comfortable with each other but we still waited until the perfect moment to have sex. He nodded and I felt his hand wrap round me and start to pump, one thing he liked to do at the most inappropriate of times.<br>"Oh God, Kurt, please, ah, I need, to, ahh, get the-" He let go and I dipped into the bag next to bed to pull out a condom and lube; he had wriggled out of his underwear and was touching himself lazily while waiting for me. I watched him for a while when his eyes were closed and when he opened them he blushed furiously and then eyed the condom in my hand and shook his head.  
>"Do we need that?" I was surprised, I always thought Kurt would be all for using every precaution necessary, "well I just thought because we're, oh-"<br>"No, no I'm clean, I just assumed but we don't have to?"  
>"It's not necessary," he had this look in his eye that was so un-Kurt like but it was turning me on so I didn't question it.<p>

"Right, um, lets start?" I said nervously not really sure what to do. "Kurt I want to talk you through because it's going to hurt but you have to be honest with me OK?" He nodded, "I'll try and be gently but-"  
>"Please Blaine can you move and talk at the same time?" He whined and I noticed he was fidgeting with anticipation. I kissed every part of his milky skin, sucking on the place I knew I would get a moan out of him and smiling when I did. I manoeuvred around his dick which was pleading for my attention but instead I parted his legs slightly and dipped my head to tongue him.<br>"Oh shit!" He cursed, Kurt never curses apart from sex, which made it super hot because I knew I was doing something so right. I couldn't believe how tight he was as I pushed through the ring of muscle with my tongue and he squirmed above me. I could have spent all night doing this just because of the sounds he was making but I knew what had to happen tonight and by the looks of things Kurt was going to last much longer. I pulled away and he whimpered, I coated my fingers and his entrance in lube, I wanted to avoid as much of the pain as possible. I knew his first time wouldn't be anything like mine but I couldn't help but worry that he would still feel that pain. I inserted a finger slowly and he gasped at both the temperature of the gel and the intrusion and as I started to move I looked up.  
>"Kurt?"<br>"Hnngg," I laughed and kept watching his face, his mouth was open in an 'O' and his eyes were closed tightly. I put in another finger and he hissed but didn't tell me to stop so I pumped slowly, soon enough he was asking, no begging, for more. Turns out he was trying to take to much.  
>"Wait, wait," he winced at three, "fuck, that really hurts," I went to pulled out but he caught me, "just stay OK?" It took him a few moments but soon enough we were moving again, faster and when his hips curled slightly I stopped, he wasn't going to cum that soon. He watched as I slap on yet more lube and I could see his hands twisting in the sheets so he didn't touch himself, I leant forward and kissed his leaking tip; he groaned and curled his hips again.<br>"Kurt can you look at me?" His eyes fluttered open and he smiled.  
>"God you're so nervous and it's perfectly adorable but in the name of Marc Jacobs please get inside me?" I nodded but looked at him awkwardly, again having no idea where to go from here, "if I'm on all fours?"<br>"No!" I snapped suddenly, "sorry… Just I want to look at you, I want to know you're OK." He nodded with a smile to tell me he was OK but stayed on his back, how was he so calm?

I positioned myself between his legs, he automatically put them around my waist and I was so grateful he knew what to do; I pressed my tip at the entrance which was still slightly open and he bit his lip.  
>"Right 1, 2-" I was counting to 3 or 5, not sure, but I didn't get there because he pushed down on me and we both called out in surprise and pleasure.<br>"I told you to get in me!" He laughed which was the strangest feeling since I was inside him, though not far, maybe a two or three inches but we still had a way to go and Kurt knew it wasn't going to be easy. I held onto his hips tightly and eased in, pausing when he asked or hissed loudly but soon enough we were moving together.  
>"Are you sure it doesn't-"<br>"Oh my God Blaine it hurts like fuck but I swear to God if you fucking stop I will kill you and, urghh, kill you!" He could barely keep his eyes open and his nails were digging into my shoulder blades like daggers but I didn't say anything because I knew what he was feeling was so much worse than what he was doing to me. I moved slowly at first but he was meeting me desperately and I couldn't keep that pace, Kurt was making every noise he knew how but he couldn't make coherent words. I knew I was making noise because my throat was vibrating but I couldn't hear anything except Kurt trying to say my name as I sped up and lost myself inside him. I wanted it to last forever, I wanted to be like this forever and I wasn't sure if it was minutes or hours but soon enough I felt that familiar sensation.  
>"Kurt are you close?"<br>"So, so, so!"  
>"Should I touch-"<br>"No, no, no!" He fell into a long moan as I hit that spot again, I wasn't great because I still didn't know exactly where it was but when I got it I was rewarded. "You're, ohhh, enough," he growled and I laughed again, laughing during sex felt amazing and I made a mental note to tell everyone about this little secret. I felt him tense and I knew in a few seconds he would be screaming out an orgasm, Kurt was not quiet and I don't know how we've ever gotten away with anything because he just loses his volume control when he cums. The thought of Kurt cumming tipped me over the edge and I spilled into him as he tensed and I thought I would pass out from the over-whelming sensation but I managed to stay conscious and ride out the last waves of climax with him.  
>"Kurt!"<br>"Blaine!" Hearing him call my name could have made me cum again but I was pretty sure if I had I would have died.

When we stilled I was aware of Kurt's cooling and sticky jizz on my stomach but I really didn't care, if I wasn't so tired I would have tasted it but my arms gave way and fell into his chest heavily. The last thing I saw was Kurt's pink-flushed-face panting with his eyes closed and hair stuck his forehead with sweat. After a minute or so I rolled off him onto the cool bed next to him and wiggled up so we were face to face, he ran his fingers down my chest and squealed when he found his cum but when he went to wipe it on the sheets I caught his hand and sucked on his long, thin fingers; that taste was one of my favourites.

We kissed softly; I remembered we had to be up in a few hours to get to the airport we were heading to Paris and then London for 10 days, two cities I hadn't visited enough though I did really love London. I talked to Kurt about moving there one day and I was hoping this trip might convince him a little more about changing continents but for now I was just happy to be wherever Kurt was.

"I love you Kurt," I whispered, barely able to speak properly.  
>"I love you too," he said back with the same exhaustion laced into his voice.<p>

**Yay smut! I'm rubbish at writing smut but it's quite fun :) I hope you guys liked this story! Sorry for the barrage of updates just I really wanted to get this finished, time to move on.**

**Let's hope some of this gets into season 3 shall we?**

**Thanks for reading.**


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